The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Meanest Brother Ever

Everyone talks about Teresa's last fight with her family. Then she has another one.
Ep. 04 | Aired May 13, 2012

TERRIBLE FIFTIES Milania and Caroline have something in common — they're both grumpypants who need a time out.

So gross, what else happened. There was a whole lot of talk about the Solstice blowout. Caroline said Teresa’s problem was that Melissa is a “better, younger version of you – Teresa’s so threatened it’s not even funny.” OUCH, way too harsh but probably true.

Perhaps the saddest image all season was Juicy Joe hitting that punching bag as if he were really beating the crap out of it, when really, Milania could have smacked it harder. It was sort of sad seeing those huge sausage casing muscles do so little damage – it was only sad because it’s a metaphor for how pathetic Juicy has been all season. There was something deeply wrong with how he sat around calling all the women names behind their backs – isn’t he the one who makes borderline homophobic comments about men who gossip? He called Caroline a bore, Rosie a “butchie boy,” and Kathy a “frog,” and then said something pretty disturbing to Teresa: “All you need is me.” A husband alienating his wife from all her friends is a bad sign.

Trying way too hard to stay relevant, Kathy planned a pool party for her kids and their friends … and all the other Housewives. Richie wisely called his children’s friends and told them not to come, so they wouldn’t have to witness the Giudices in action. Smartest thing anyone on this show has done in a while.

Basically, the pool party went down exactly as anyone would have predicted. Caroline and Jacqueline canceled, and then Teresa and Joe Gorga had a talk that turned ugly, and Teresa stormed out of the house. It’s not even worth re-“hatching” the arguments they had, because it’s the exact same thing we’ve been listening to for a season and a half at this point: Teresa stopped being an aunt, Joe didn’t make even time for Teresa, both their spouses got between their relationship, etc. As delusional and stoopid as Teresa may be, I really get the sense that Gorga is kind of play-acting by extending the conflict he has with his sister — almost as though he knows better, but he doesn’t actually want things to improve with Teresa just yet. (Teresa genuinely doesn't know better. Joe should know better than anyone how that mind of hers works or fails to work). Or maybe I have a hard time believing he’d really say “I’m an angel from God!” or “God will punish you” and actually mean it.

Against all reason, I’m optimistic that next week’s “field day” episode will bring some entertainment. It reminds me of the kind of thing old sitcoms would do when the writers ran out of ideas.

I really wish Bravo had shaken up the cast before this season. Kathy may be the voice of reason – yikes! – but she’s basically there to talk about the Giudice-Gorga feud, and if anything, we need much less of that. This show desperately needed new blood to bring in outside, non-family conflict. But I guess it’s way too late for that.

Even though I’m on Caroline’s side (barely) in her beef with Teresa, she’s becoming impossible to watch. We get it, you’re going through the Change and you’re fed up with everyone and everything.

What’s your reason to keep watching?

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