The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Meanest Brother Ever

Everyone talks about Teresa's last fight with her family. Then she has another one.
Ep. 04 | Aired May 13, 2012

TERRIBLE FIFTIES Milania and Caroline have something in common — they're both grumpypants who need a time out.

New Jersey has gotten small. The concerns of the Gorgas and Giudices have inflated and filled up the entire state, because apparently there’s nothing else going on with the ladies other than Caroline begrudgingly receiving an expensive car and being fed strawberries. Every episode is structured the same way: Everyone talks about Teresa vs. Melissa and Joey G. until there’s some predictable blowup at the end. I’m tempted to protest where this season is going by devoting my entire recap to the most trivial detail of the episode: Jacqueline’s terrible trainer, Jolene Matthews.

I seriously would rather have watched the entire workout session with Jolene than more of the sibling feud. How ridiculous was Jolene? First of all, both Jacqueline and Teresa were in better shape than she was, and not only does Jolene keep an entire bottle of wine in her purse (flask it, sweetheart — keep it mobile), it’s Sutter Home! I guess if you need to keep some white handy to survive a training sesh, you do need to downgrade to the cheap stuff. Jacqueline and Teresa realized their Jolene workout was a joke and shut things down, and to cap it all off, Jolene’s pants were inside out. I couldn’t help but think that’s how Ashley would lead a personal training session if given the chance.

Moving away from the sweaty hot mess that was Jolene, Jacqueline and Teresa had a confusing conversation about friend loyalty. Jacqueline didn’t like having to choose between Teresa and Melissa, especially since Teresa refused to take sides when Jacqueline and Dina were feuding before. (Why wasn't that televised?) Teresa “reasoned” that she was allowed to stay friends with both of them because Dina was the one who introduced her to Jacqueline. Those are some complicated rules, and I’m not sure where that particular amendment exists in the Friendship Constitution. So if you're introduced by someone to somebody else, you’re allowed to not take sides in an argument as long as the argument involves the introducer and the introducee? This is more confusing than the rules of the Elder Wand in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

NEXT: Juicy Joe blows off some steam...

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