The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Life Is a Ke$ha Song

Juicy Joe lashes out. Jacqueline realizes getting rid of Ashlee isn't easy.
Ep. 02 | Aired Apr 29, 2012

TICKING TIME BOMB Don't let that placid exterior fool you. Caroline is getting ready to blow soon enough.

Bravo

The alarm went off the moment Teresa and Juicy Joe entered their own pizza restaurant. It's as if the pizzeria were trying to say, "They're trying to kill me!" The restaurant was in dire straits supposedly because Juicy Joe's DWI and arrest for false identification kept him away too long. To put it in Teresa's language of denial, "Joe 'went away' for driving under suspended." I love how Teresa drops essential nouns from sentences when she tries to avoid the real issue.

The entire visit to the dying business felt incredibly staged — what was the point of Teresa standing around listening to stuff she should already have known? (Although with Teresa, one can't assume she knows anything, ever). As Juicy Joe blew some hot air about taking over a gas station and building an old folks' home in its place, he looked super-tired and defeated. Teresa tried to put a sparkly spin on things by pointing out that Juicy could spend more time at home now. You could literally see his soul leaving his body at that moment. This whole failed pizzeria storyline reminded me of the Scavos on Desperate Housewives. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a mysterious, ultimately convenient electrical fire right before closing night.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline started off the episode celebrating Ashlee's upcoming one-way trip to Las Vegas. I haven't seen a person be so glad to get rid of someone since Michael Scott threw a goodbye party for Toby Flenderson. Ashlee the bottle-blond moron had trouble finding her things. It wouldn't surprise me if all she packed were floppy hats, belly button rings, and tequila. When Ashlee started to walk down the stairs backwards, at first I didn't see that she was pulling her suitcase along and honestly thought she was about to explain that her iPhone told her that walking down the stairs backwards is safer, or something equally dumb. You just don't know with this girl.

NEXT: You can't get rid of Ashlee...

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