Tonight's episode title came courtesy of my new favorite person, florist to the stars and wedding planner extraordinaire Kevin Lee. I dearly wish Kevin Lee could have been the new Houseperson instead of Brandi or Dana. Then again, I'd take a rumpled brown paper bag with eyeballs painted on it in lieu of Dana. When Camille Grammer is calling you desperate... Dana, you in danger girl. Overall, this episode was jam-packed from the get-go. Between the continued "whirlwind of stupid" (TM Caroline Manzo 2011) known as Game Night, Brandi's blatant insecurities smashing up against her heedless aggression, the Richards sisters permadrama, and a Lady Who Lunched in a flower hat worthy of Gaga, it'll be best if we just jump right into things.
Game Night. Under Brandi's accusations, Kyle proved her mettle (or meanness, depending on how you look at it) by mentioning Brandi's son peeing on the lawn at Adrienne's pool party. At most, it was a lunge at the jugular. At the very least, a thinly veiled jab at Brandi's parenting skills. Granted, Brandi didn't help herself by saying, "I don't think it's that bad." Kyle was taking no prisoners: "You probably wouldn't where you're from." Over the next several minutes, Brandi's voice went to frequencies heretofore unreached outside of bat caves as she dropped one F-bomb after another at those scurrilous Richards sisters. Pushed and pushed and pushed by the sorority of horrors, Brandi swiped at Kim, "At least I don't do crystal meth in the bathroom all night long... bitch!" And chiiiiiild, Taylor's Joker mouth swung open as wide as the day is long. There was no turning back.
Moments later, Brandi told the Richards sisters, "I'm from the trailer. Don't forget," which I presume is this season's "pull some Oklahoma on your ass." Kyle was quick to fire back, "We don't." Disadvantage, Glanville. Somewhere between Brandi threatening to murder one or both of the Richards and Kim calling Brandi "a slut pig," violence threatened to erupt, and Taylor threw herself in the middle. It's a testament to how effed these people are that someone who was going through times as serious and trying as Taylor has had to constantly play peacemaker. (Awesome direct quote: "No one is touching anyone in this house. There will be no touching!") Brandi finally took her clue and tried to leave -- but Kim had hidden her crutches! Bitter, bitter irony. As she hobbled out the door, begging Taylor to open the door for her handicapped tush, Brandi hoped she'd never see the other Housewives again. Good luck with that!
NEXT: The wit and wisdom of DanaPam