The Real Housewives of New York City recap: Yap Yap Yap

Ramona interrupts her feud with LuAnn to admire her manicure, Heather declares herself Jewish by injection, Sonja dances with some drag queens. Holla!
Ep. 02 | Aired Jun 11, 2012

WHOSE ASS ARE YOU CALLING PINOT-FILLED? Ramona doesn't like it when someone else tells it like it is.

Bravo

Last night contained a moment of such marvelous inanity that it alone almost justified a Housewives habit. Ramona and LuAnn were in the midst of their high-noon, knee-length boot showdown in the park. LuAnn wanted to hold Ramona accountable for calling her a lousy mom who lets her children run free, especially that Victoria who, Ramona's just saying, she's just being honest, she grew up in a house with yelling so she can't help going for the jugular, was kicked out of all those private schools. But Ramona doesn't like saying sorry so she refused to let LuAnn steer this ship. Instead she reminded LuAnn that she's always been snide and condescending with her and if the Countess could ever just say "Hi Ramona! How's it going!?" none of this would have ever happened. Then she accused LuAnn of falling off tables. So LuAnn told Ramona to get her head out of her Pinot-filled ass. Ramona was bugging, LuAnn's eyes were flashing. Blackmail! Spies! Evil!

"You think I have time, I don't even have time to do my nails," said Ramona, who then either forgot that she was supposed to be giving good reality TV fight for those funny Bravo producers or simply got distracted by her shiny fingertips. "Actually I did this new thing, it lasts three weeks, it's like a shellac. It's pretty good." Cut to LuAnn, who looked like she was trying not to laugh, as she gave Ramona's nails a quick glare of perusal. "So, actually, which is wonderful," continued Ramona. "But, um, what do I have to threaten you about?" Well anyways it's a lovely day and Ramona certainly wasn't going to apologize but this counts for a good talk, yes? "So don't attack me and I won't attack you. Deal?," she said, giving a stupefied LuAnn her best HSN smile. "And I only always wish you the best." Bravissimo, you crazy labradoodle.

"When was the last time you had an argument with an adult female?" Aviva marveled to Heather during a friendly couples dinner. Oh honey, your time is coming. We've seen the previews. Aviva really loves her husband Reid. Her greatest fear is something happening to Reid. She wouldn't be able to breathe without him. We're all getting the sense that Aviva has many, many great fears but we'll get to her escalating neuroses another day. The dinner was uneventful, though Heather and her husband Jonathan did gleefully announce that Aviva's ex bragged about getting both Sonja and LuAnn into the sack. (Why am I having a hard time believing this to be true about LuAnn?) Also we learned that Heather is only Jewish by injection and that her son Jax is spoiled and that Aviva, who lost a leg when she was young and so now apparently has the right to speak for all children with varying special needs, thinks this is a very bad idea. Then Reid invited himself to go motorcycle riding in the Berkshires, the idea of which scared Aviva. "You might lose a leg and match!" said Heather, opening her mouth wide and laughing very loudly at her joke.

NEXT: Sonja wants to dance the night away with handymen and drag queens.

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