The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills series premiere recap: California Preenin'

In the series premiere, Camille waxes ridiculous, Kim brings the crazy, and Lisa feeds her dog in bed
Ep. 01 | Aired Oct 14, 2010

'HILLS' PEOPLE Bravo's 'Real Housewives' line of dolls now comes in a Beverly Hills edition!

Adam Olszewski/Bravo

Did your face hurt after watching? Poor Taylor, probably a lovely woman underneath that Beverly Hills mask, with skin stretched like a balloon and those odd lips just begging for a release of some kind. Then she trusted Adrienne’s husband to inject what looked like swollen olives under her skin. Anything to keep her disturbingly aloof venture capitalist husband from leaving her for a 20-year-old. “So what’s the latest with your little company?” he deigned to inquire over dinner. Oh honey, I say leave him.

Okay, a quick rundown of these West Coast broads, each of whom would eat my beloved Vicki Gunvalson on a slab of raw tuna for lunch. (Except for maybe Kim, who would just stare moodily off to the side while Vicki yapped at her about insurance quotes.) Taylor still has some Oklahoma running through her, which might explain why she seemed the most authentic of the group. As discussed, her husband struck me as kind of a creep, but she seemed to have a sense of humor about herself and the cuckoos she calls friends.

Everything about Adrienne scares me, from her strange little lower half to her high-hat hair, from her mincing walk to the way she can kill a man with one quick toss over her shoulder. She’s known Taylor for three years, which apparently was enough to earn the right to be godmother to Taylor’s daughter Kennedy. (The names on these kids! Portia, Pandora, Mason, Lollipop.) Adrienne is a Maloof, and for all I know the Maloofs own my alarm clock. Go Kings.

Lisa is a nut, but fine company. The series got off to a rollicking start with a scene of this kitty cat of a woman feeding her dog Gigolo breakfast in bed. (What was he eating by way? Please tell me that mound of brown wasn’t a prune.) Lisa is the Bethenny of Beverly Hills, only older and richer and dizzier and less caustic. Hmm, she’s nothing like Bethenny, is she? But I imagine she was cast partly for comic relief. And for that idiot Cedric, the supposedly gay houseguest who has no intention of giving up his five-star accommodations.

Camille was inoffensive—though Kyle might beg to differ—and ridiculous. She has four similarly beleaguered-looking nannies for her two rosy-cheeked children. She tries to fly commercial every now and then, for the Earth’s sake. She is a former stripper dancer for MTV, and she is more than just Kelsey Grammer’s wife! She just needs a chance to spread her wings and… grind true love with a giant stuffed mascot. In the meantime, she’ll have you know that she saved Kelsey’s life and interviewed surrogates to bear their children and interceded on behalf of the Frasier cast and managed to get some underwear on her husband. “Cover your rat,” she murmured in a strange non sequitur at lunch. Say that again, Camille, and Adrienne will have you killed.

NEXT: A frantic nervous laugh that would make Liza Minnelli cringe!

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