Before we dive deep into the episode, can we all just acknowledge that Estella post-op was the most terrifying fright of Halloween night. Oh, the poor woman, who gave her already lovely face over to Paul's knife. (And good grief, is this what doctors are like when their patients are under? Leaving voice mails for Mark Wahlberg and trying to find Kim Richards a date!) Kyle was already nervous going in to see her mother-in-law in the recovery room. In Estella's place was a ghoul with bloated, ravaged face, chuckling to herself and reaching for human flesh. "Are you going to dance with me!?" the thing croaked. Sweet Mauricio: "Sure, maybe later." For the love of God, get Portia out of there and don't let her look directly in its eyes!
On with the show! Mohamed's party plans were in full swing but there was one hitch for the Housewives. He had dark history with Russell so Lisa, somewhat gleefully, had to call Taylor and tell her she was welcome to join in on the fun but not her husband. "You said to always invite you anyways..." said Lisa, preening in her convertible. When is the episode coming where Lisa rear-ends Reese Witherspoon? Because this woman never has a hand on the wheel.
Meanwhile Taylor had her own party to plan. Yeah, yeah, she knows she got a lot of grief for Kennedy's miserable and decadent tea party birthday last year so for her daughter's 5th she's going to do something kid friendly. "Kind of like a county fair for five-year-olds," she said, pitching the Bravo audience. With 200 of Kennedy's closest friends. And every child gets to take home a miniature pony. Which their mothers will then give away to the neighbors after deciding that their little ones are allergic/horse hair is a bitch to Swiffer. But first Dana's expertise is needed in selecting the cake. (And what a welcome change that this was Dana's only scene of the night.) "What do kids like?" Taylor asked in all seriousness. "Chocolate without the raspberry," said the cake maker. Raspberry cake it is!
We moved then to the most awkward, depressing portion of an otherwise fizzy evening. Taylor had Kyle, Mauricio and Portia over to dinner. Kennedy, who, poor child, always seems either on the verge of sad tears or mad tantrum, brightened considerably when Portia arrived on the scene. We all do, K! Taylor had an apron on which was weird as she'd hired a private chef to cook the meal. The four adults sat down to eat at very severe, clearly never-used dining room table. The whole thing was awful, really. Watching footage of a dead man coldly dismiss tabloid rumors of separation and then menacingly threaten lawsuits. Taylor sat there uncomfortably, Kyle looked seriously freaked. And forgive me for noticing, but Mauricio may have had a pimple on his forehead.
NEXT: Camel toes!