The haze was settling in over Malibu, the housekeepers had in unison set hundreds of candles aflame. A casual, adorable Kim clomped down her front entry, pausing midway to ask the driver for assistance. "Steps are not my thing," she explained. She still considers Paul and Adrienne her most reliable wingmen and the couple opened the conversation in the limo with inquiries into the vulnerable woman's well-being. Kim still has triggers she started sharing, to which Adrienne cut her off and made it all about Lisa. Adrienne may say she just wants to move on but not Paul! If Lisa tried to give him a kiss on both cheeks, he'd so not be into that. Not after she made comments about Adrienne's beautiful shoes or Jackpot. So making a snarky rhyme about a high heel and failing to fall in love with Jackpot are on par with calling someone a liar and accusing them of selling out her friends to a parasitic press? "Paul!" said Kim, speaking for the lot of us. Hey man, like he even cares about Lisa whatever-her-name-is. "I have a thousand things going on so this is not something that encroaches on my life," he said. Was he always this big of a tool?
Inside Yolanda had already started greeting guests like past American Idol contestant Michael Johns (?) and trumpeter extraordinaire/Katie Couric's ex Chris Botti. "You know I drew every inch of this house," Yolanda told Botti, who appeared to be stifling a smirk. "And it like killed my brain." Kyle was spooked by Richard the butler, joking with anyone who would listen that the man was stalking Housewives and one of them would end up with their head chopped off by him and stored in the massive fruit refrigerator. When Lisa and Ken arrived, Kyle exclaimed of a pink-shirted, lion-haired Ken that he was "like the combination of Rod Stewart and Giggy!" I picture her immediately excusing herself to go high-five her face in the bathroom mirror for coming up with such a line.
Meanwhile Lisa made a prompt U-turn back towards the appetizer tray when Adrienne and Paul arrived. I picture Paul immediately excusing himself to go kiss both his cheeks in the bathroom mirror and then smash the glass with his fist."When I walk up to the group to say hi Lisa just turns and walks away," he muttered to Kyle. "Not cool. I'm not going to say hi to that one, that's all. F--- that. After what she did to us, I'm not going to do that. F--- no." Then came my favorite moment of the whole night. Taylor had just finished reminding us all that David Foster had been married to one of her best friends, Linda Thompson. Then he came up at the party to greet her and said "Hi Kyle, how are you?" She didn't blink and just got a real syrupy smile on her face. "Hello, hi honey, how are you?" In the background Paul piped up "Hey, that's Taylor!" This is basically what I picture every party in Beverly Hills being like—people pretending to know and like each other while taking solace in the passed appetizers.
NEXT: The David Foster Show.