The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Up a Pole without a Paddle

Kim announce plans to get her nose done while Brandi takes the ladies to a Las Vegas stripper class. Women!
Ep. 11 | Aired Jan 28, 2013

BOA CONSTRICTED We must, we must, we must increase our busts.

Marlene Cronman/Bravo

Or am I more likely going to end up like Marisa's mom Gayle? Now we know where Marisa inherited her amiable bluntness. "That's a boondock type of dress," Mama scolded as Marisa tried to sneak a gypsy mumu into her Vegas suitcase. "$20 is more than it's worth. Oh honey I swear to you it's ugly." Speaking of Vegas, Marisa's mom hasn't been to the Mandalay Bay in four years and if Marisa would just invite her on the girls' trip life she would ride in a different plane and Marisa wouldn't even have to acknowledge her and she could just get compliments on her hair from strangers on the Strip. Speaking of strip, Ken doesn't understand.

Back in the lemon grove! Yolanda broke Beverly Hills gender relations down for us: Men love beautiful women and beautiful women love rich men. "They'll f--- your husbands for a Chanel bag." Yikes! David returned home from a business trip and there's a chance he whistled and kissed for Yolanda when he walked through the door. She promptly came bounding up and slathered him with kisses."My husband is king in my house and I think that's the way it should be," she said. "That's what keeps people together." That and five chocolate souffles. "Unless she kicks me to the curb I'm a lifer," said David. "I'm a Yolanda lifer." They have friends who spend two or three months apart from their rocker boyfriend (cough, Carole Radziwill!) but that's not them. Eight days tops, and then he races home to her chicken and table arrangements.

In Vegas, Brandi was hellbent on proving to the girls that she was more than just the leggy divorcee who screamed STFU at everyone. So they all went to a dinner where miraculously everyone got along. Marisa was a little subdued but she swore it was because she missed her babies not her man. "Your husband is more in love with you than you are with him," Brandi unnecessarily pointed out.  It's just Brandi wants to tell her to STFU, she admitted in her private interview. She'd kill for the devotion of such an adorable man. Kyle said it was nice to see Brandi out of tussling mode. "I feel like I've been fighting the last few years and I feel like gosh I can't stop fighting," admitted Brandi. Camille empathized. She remembered well the pain of a messy split, and having to battle with Kyle throughout it all. Brandi then shared how she found out that she and Eddie were really done. She'd moved out of the house and then a friend at Us Weekly (gross) called to tell her that Eddie had been spotted with LeAnn in Malibu on his motorcycle (gross). Good lord LeAnn really got trashed during dinner and I think Andy Cohen can kiss any chance of her ever appearing on WWHL goodbye. She has the same car, the same bag, the same shoes, the same bikinis as Brandi. "Put some frickin' clothes on!" heckled Kyle.

Jakey calls it bagina.

Kim brought her oversized gold lame bag to see her plastic surgeon. Why is she getting her nose done? Well, Kyle was the first one who suggested it. There followed an unfortunate Season 1 flashback in which Kyle teased her rather meanly at lunch. "You need a makeover," Kyle insisted. "So it's my nose  you really want to go?" responded Kim. "Well that's like one of the main things." Instead of her good buddy Dr. Paul Nassif Kim went to a slightly ghoulish-looking doctor that I swear also sells houses on Million Dollar Listing. "I know he knows about noses," Kim said. Words are funny! "I know he knows about noses!" she happily repeated.

The next day in Vegas Yolanda joined the group. She was in braids and a rope bracelet bathing suit and eschewed a mimosa in favor of a spinach juice. At the Night School 4 Girls Brandi turned a little tongue-tied as she tried to introduce her class. The Housewives all looked at her with patient expressions, willing her to speak or at least shake her tush. "You need to empower yourself and find your inner sexy," Lisa prompted. That unlocked Brandi from her stage fright and she proceeded to coil an endless leg four times around a stripper's pole.

Next week: Kim is woozy; Yolanda gives Camille a slow shush.

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