The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Up a Pole without a Paddle

Kim announce plans to get her nose done while Brandi takes the ladies to a Las Vegas stripper class. Women!
Ep. 11 | Aired Jan 28, 2013

BOA CONSTRICTED We must, we must, we must increase our busts.

Marlene Cronman/Bravo

Another episode, another scene of Yolanda in brilliantly fitted casual wear fluffing a vase of roses in the kitchen. Tonight's storyline: Salad dressing! Yolanda was preparing a luncheon out on the lanai for  Suzanne Somers, not that she's ever seen Three's Company mind you. "Why not embrace aging, let's just hold onto it gracefully," she said as the camera cut away to Somers making a perky entrance. "I'm always in a state of feeling uplifted," said Somers, who later wagged her secret baggy of pills as her key to euphoria. No thanks! I saw this on an After School Special once. Kyle pretended to be interested in anti-aging secrets but really she just wondered if Yolanda was planning to serve dessert and when it might be appropriate to pump Krissy Snow for stories from the set. Lisa looked appalled by the salad before her and the mountain of vitamins and the presumption that horniness was a good thing.

Meanwhile Brandi had to take a stripping class to prepare for her Vegas Night School for Girls. Single motherhood, yo! That meant a stop to the pole expert Sheila Kelly, whom you surely remember from Singles and may not know is married to professorial West Wing star Richard Schiff. Now it's not like Brandi's never worked her long legs around a stripper's pole before. Naturally Eddie bought her one for their bedroom in an attempt to reinvigorate their sex life. Ugh, this guy! Brandi was cute during the warm-up as she tried to let her body ripple like a feminine wave but instead toppled over like a slow egg. It was no surprise when she turned out to have some good slinky moves around the pole and I wish Sheila Kelly could coach me through my occasional two-mile runs. "Whaaaaat! Merry Christmas! Okay suckas! Yes!!!!"

How many daughters does Kyle have? They're like nesting dolls. On this episode they gathered friends and family for Mauricio-lookalike Sophia's 6th grade graduation. It was a day to celebrate innocence and possibility, and then watch it blow away like dandelion seeds as Faye made her entrance. Then Paul and Adrienne added their toxicity to the mix, both of them hissing at each other at the buffet over who's going to serve her a piece of chicken. The toxic trio sat together and you could almost smell the dingy animosity of their souls. Kyle looked a little peeved that her sisters weren't there but alas Kim's son was under the weather and Kathy, uh, had a hurt tooth. (Worst excuse ever!) Mauricio's charming sex therapist mother Estella gave a sweet toast to her granddaughter and then Kyle teared up that her own parents couldn't be there with them. There was a nice cut to Kim and her houseman arranging stacks of photos of her long since grown children. Am I going to inevitably be this mother one day? Spending long hours trying to memorialize my terribly missed children instead of insisting upon a life for myself? Anyways, Kim revealed her plans to do her nose and her recounting of how she talked her doctor into it was like the outtake of a batty one-woman show.

NEXT: STFU, Vegas. What happens there stays there. 

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