Oh Kyle, you do make it hard to trust you. The woman who swears she loathes a scene chose to bring her pet lizard Faye as her plus 1. In the limo Faye was insincerely hoping everyone would just be on their best behavior. "That's why you're such a lovely person and not everybody thinks the way you think," said Adrienne. "Wouldn't that be great though?" said Faye. Imagine there's no heaven/It's easy if you try/No hell below us/Above us only sky. When the dark trio bopped into the party Brandi pretended to be heavily engrossed in conversation with the bartenders. Camille showed up and brought Lisa not one but two make-nice gifts. But where was Kim? Lisa rang her friend from the unremodeled powder room, kneeling in a quarter squat by a black toilet. "I was on my way to your house," marbled Kim, "when I got hit in the face." Lisa slowly lowered the clunky phone in disbelief. It seemed Kingsley the puppy had hit Kim in the face. Was Kingsley in the car? I feel confident that the whole ensuing drama could have been avoided if Kingsley had attended the tea party and worn his little bathrobe and munched on mini-cupcakes.
Giggy in old man blue pajamas. Brandi in side-swept bangs. Both good things.
At the head of the table Lisa extended an olive branch of a toast and then forced Brandi to clink glasses with Adrienne. Kyle and Taylor do Soul Cycle together and Taylor is desperate to get her old ass back. "Your ass is this big anyways, who cares if it's wrapped around your frickin' ankle!" said Kyle, who does not appreciate when skinny people fuss over their weight. Are you allowed to give the finger on primetime because Taylor double-barrelled us. The women then prodded Taylor to give them a gymnastics show but she had other ideas for entertainment. (Side note: She was smashed.) "Since everybody likes to sue everybody here...I'll sue you if I break my neck, how about that?" Everyone froze. "Let's uh sign a release before we do anything," said Lisa, ever magnificent. Kyle tried to change the subject by saying how excited she was for her White Party. Taylor's eyes glittered meanly. "I guess the thing that really bothers me about the White Party last year is being met at the door and being turned away," she slurred with a Joker's smile spread menacingly across her face. "You know I felt bad about that," said Kyle. "I know you felt horrible about it," said Taylor, her voice a terrifying purr. "You're one of my closest friends and I know it was torture for you. So..." Hee hee. "Where's the cute guys who bring drinks? Woo woo! Right?" chirped Brandi, looking at Taylor with confusion. "I'm just trying to loosen the..."
Lisa promptly yanked Brandi and told Taylor from the table. Cut the innuendo, Lisa barked at Taylor. Meanwhile Adrienne insisted to the others that she wasn't in fact suing Brandi. "Do you believe everything Brandi says? Come on," said Adrienne. Camille sure doesn't! Taylor promised Lisa she'd be good and then sprinted back to the table to stir up more s---. She was drunk and she was on camera dammit. She was going to light this ship on fire. On Taylor's slurry prodding Adrienne insisted neither she nor her lawyer sent Brandi a threatening letter. So of course when Brandi sat back down Taylor couldn't resist a quick fact-check.
Adrienne's method of arguing was mainly flicking her hand dismissively at Brandi and whining. Brandi seemed so shocked by Adrienne's claims of innocence that she failed to call her out on lamely switching the conversation to a Twitter squabble about Adrienne's fink chef feeding the tabloids lies. "You don't accuse Bernie," insisted Adrienne. "Shame on you." No, shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on all of us for watching? Fed up, Brandi finally stormed off and Adrienne smirked into her hand. Marisa sat there dumbfounded, wondering if maybe Dean wasn't so bad after all. Faye stroked her new robe under the table. Camille wondered if Lisa would hire her boyfriend at SUR. Taylor swallowed some bile. Kyle laughed like Mr. Ed. "Wait Lisa, remind me never to come to one of your tea parties again?" Ha ha ha ha!
Next week: Oh Kennedy, honey.