The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: There is Nothing Worse than Drunk Women

First Adrienne and Brandi want to kill each other; then they arm wrestle and practice their hand stands. Ojai, y'all.
Ep. 05 | Aired Dec 3, 2012

JUST BREATHE Looks like Portia is going to be a big sister.

Bravo

Upstairs—"in the nice part of the house," Taylor explained to the garage-dwelling Lisa and Brandi—the drinkers let loose. Kyle smacked an appreciative Brandi's butt. ("She's thinner than I've ever been and no one ever calls her anorexic! Why is that true?" whined Taylor in my second favorite moment of the night.) Brandi challenged Taylor to arm wrestling, which triggered an elaborate dance of hissing, flexing, kissing, hugging and a wrestler's scissor hold. Adrienne called winner, which made Brandi exclaim "You're the guy!" After a prolonged warm-up, in which Brandi insisted it was illegal for Adrienne to first break her wrist, Brandi emerged victorious. This sent her into a rug lap dance of ecstasy and 80s video hair swinging, which triggered an evening of gymnastics for everybody else. So many questions: Does Adrienne not wear underwear? Did Kyle break her neck? Did Yolanda eventually pull a rifle out of her luggage and shoot a hole in the ceiling?

The next morning Kim and Kyle sat awkwardly together in the kitchen, neither of them speaking. Luckily a dew-soaked Yolanda came into the room and they were both distracted by her amazing Amazon body. Kyle tried regaling Yolanda with stories of Adrienne and Taylor's back flips but all she got back from Yolanda was bored lion eyes. "How cute," said Yolanda, who countered that she rose at 6 in the morning to work out and drink a pint of gorilla blood (does wonders for the pores!). Then she couldn't help reminding Kyle that nothing gets under her smooth golden skin her like drunk women. I mean really, is there anything less classy than a bunch of suburban women slurring their words and dancing to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" in a limo on their way to a winery tour? (Oops, that was my weekend).

In the end, bravo Kim for putting together such a lovely weekend to celebrate your sobriety. "I know, riiight," slurred a sober Kim in the limo. Just when the world felt safe, Kyle had to remind Brandi about that one time she said the F-word.

Next week: Gosh. Let's see how inappropriate the women think it is when Paul calls Brandi a bitch at a party.

Folks, could we all happily watch an entire show of Lisa speaking in an American accent?

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