The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: There is Nothing Worse than Drunk Women

First Adrienne and Brandi want to kill each other; then they arm wrestle and practice their hand stands. Ojai, y'all.
Ep. 05 | Aired Dec 3, 2012

JUST BREATHE Looks like Portia is going to be a big sister.


At breakfast the next morning Camille left her hair extensions on her nightstand and told the women about the pleasures of a Greek rebound. Will they get married? She needs more time to explore...the enormous hollows between his beautiful ab muscles. Back in their bedroom Brandi and Lisa snuggled up in their twin beds and Lisa continued to Professor Doolittle her young friend. No more swearing at four star restaurants! "It gives them ammunition," she explained. "That to these women is a gift she's just given them. That proves everything they have been saying about her not fitting in." She's right of course. Brandi just hasn't gotten over the way Adrienne and Paul tried to enlist her in a Twitter war against Lisa after last year's Reunion. "Darling nobody ever puts anything into your mouth," said Lisa. "Well that's not true," snickered Brandi. Thank God Kyle and Taylor weren't privy to this exchange because they would have pretended to be scandalized by the innuendo and would bring it up at every dinner party for the rest of the season.

The mood lightened after Lisa and Yolanda raced each other in golf carts."I'm gonna kick yo ass, Bentley or not," said Bronx Yolanda. Never ever bet against Yolanda in a golf cart race or a street fight. The women stumbled over themselves on the badminton court. Lisa went with a A Room with a View lawn dress, and paired it with white Reeboks. Kyle didn't approve. Wait, does Kyle hate Lisa? Then the women adjourned to the spa where Kim made love to her strawberry smoothie and detoxifying mud clay. Kyle was sick of all the yammering so she suggested they try to play the quiet game for one whole minute. Surprise! Kyle lost. Yolanda proceeded to throw a pitcher of ice water on Kyle's lap, which started one big water and wash cloth fight. Throughout it all, Kim just kept rubbing her thigh in slow concentric circles and moaning in pleasure. Ojai truly is a magical place for her.

At dinner the sommelier offered the women a Gaultier-designed bottle of wine. Yolanda explained that she wasn't drinking because she broke her back a few years ago and now she was pregnant with a baby lamb. Brandi wondered if any of the other mothers had undergone difficult labors which led to an odd couple of minutes of the women talking about things that matter. Though Camille felt a little uncomfortable because no one else shared her experience of using a surrogate. (A mother is a mother is a mother.) When Brandi broke out the tequila shots Yolanda and Kim excused themselves. "I love you! I mean, I don't love you, but...." Brandi sweetly, awkwardly said by way of good night. "I don't like you," blurted Kim. I don't think she actually meant that but Kyle couldn't resist laughing and yelling "Freudian!" A sober Kim nevertheless stumbled on her way out of the room and suddenly the women were all drunk enough to start calling each other kitty cats.

NEXT: Would that the women had worn briefs. 

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