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JUST BREATHE Looks like Portia is going to be a big sister.
First Adrienne and Brandi want to kill each other; then they arm wrestle and practice their hand stands. Ojai, y'all.| Published Dec 4, 2012
Gosh. Inappropriate. I mean, gosh. Adrienne couldn't believe that she had just fallen victim to such a verbal assault. Taylor smiled down into her dinner napkin, pleased that Brandi had shown her achilles heel. Kyle's eyebrow remained arched for the remainder of the evening. "I'm gonna use the ladies room," said a sniffly Kim, who was so dear the entire episode. Brandi went with Kim, which struck me as very kind, even if she couldn't resist making inflammatory statements like "A lot of these people at the table want to see you fail." Back at the table Adrienne was still stretching out the g- word. Lisa told the women to move on and forgive Brandi's poor choice of words. Kyle hissed and raised one of her paws to bat Lisa in the head three times. And yet I wish Kyle had stopped talking for two seconds so she could observe what loyalty looked like in action. Somehow Taylor and Yolanda ended up in the bathroom too and Kim had herself a little sob. She's never even heard of crystal meth and why did Brandi have to say something so awful like that? Brandi didn't get defensive or weird and so the women actually enjoyed a genuine moment of apology and coming together.
"Oh my go-oshh, ve-wy inappropriate," Adrienne kept bleating to the increasingly distracted table. By this point Lisa was fed up with Kyle's aggressive lectures and left to go check on Kim and Brandi herself. After giving Kim's hair a quick pet she affectionately rapped Brandi on the wrinkled knuckles for shutting Adrienne down with a vulgarity. Brandi must apologize. Not happening, said Brandi. Fake it!, demanded Lisa. "I have no problem telling Brandi, like a mother, that this was clearly inappropriate," said Lisa. I realize one of the things I like most about their new friendship is its maternal vibe. Lisa is the authority figure here, but not like Caroline Manzo overpowering Jacqueline Laurita. Rather Lisa clucks over Brandi, beaming up at her with equal parts exasperation and affection, and Brandi genuinely appears to trust Lisa. So on the walk back to the table Lisa poked Brandi again to apologize and Brandi stomped her foot no. Young lady, you can only have your dessert wine after you eat two pieces of broccoli on your plate! So when Brandi sat down she calmly announced that she was sorry for using the f-word. "Apology accepted," said Adrienne, menacingly scraping the tines of her fork against her veneers.
This was probably an inopportune time for Brandi's boo boo book agent to give her a jingle. When she got off the phone she gave a goofy little grin and told the women she'd gotten a book deal. Taylor's nostrils started flaring like a bull. "Breathe, meditate," said Adrienne. "Through the mouth, out through the nose." A charmingly oblivious Kim looked up from her beet salad and sighed, "I love to meditate." Brandi's eyes started spinning and landed on the f-words. "Why are we meditating?" she demanded. "It's hard I guess for women to be happy for other women, I guess it's weird you have to meditate instead of just being happy." Let Kyle unnecessarily break it down for you. "No offense Brandi but you were the first one to attack her for doing a book," said Kyle. (By no offense, she means suck it.) Yolanda was so incredibly bored by all of the old drama being rehashed. Couldn't they talk about Crossfit or oxygenated water instead? "Yolanda, darling, nobody's listening to you," sneered Kyle in her private interview. (I picture Yolanda body-slamming Kyle at the reunion, twisting one of her chandelier earrings hard, and warning her to try saying that to her face next time.)
Back to the book: Brandi does point out that it's actually been three years since her divorce... At that Taylor swan dove across Kyle's lap and start rattling off her financial woes at the time of Russell's suicide ($700,000 in debt!; $1.5 million lawsuit!). Kyle pretended to be embarrassed by the fire she helped stoke and threatened to leave. Cheers to Brandi's bloody good news!, said an exhausted Lisa. By the way, Adrienne got a book deal too. In my favorite moment of the evening, she held her iced tea aloft, the sweating glass hanging awkwardly there in the air, no one rushing to clink it. Throughout the entire evening Camille didn't speak a word, but sat there with her finger on her cell phone's panic button. Dedra was waiting outside like a one-woman S.W.A.T. team, ready to extricate her friend from the restaurant should the situation get out of hand.
NEXT: Tell me Yolanda—have the lambs stopped screaming?