Portia is going to have to step it up big time if she's going to continue endearing her mother to the audience. That means she must appear at all times in either a leotard or a ruffly bikini or maybe wearing a unicorn bicycle helmet. There she was lolling on her parents' bed hearing about her parent teacher conference (I want details!) when a crabby Mauricio came home from what must have been a long day explaining away his crazy wife and her crazy friends to his clients. Kyle revealed her plans to host a dinner party to show off her nearly finished dining room and that Brandi was on the guest list. Mauricio was not psyched. Not one bit. "I'm pissed. I think she's disgusting. I can't believe you're inviting her." Do you hear that hissing in the wind, readers? That is the sound of the internet turning on their once-beloved Mauricio. Perhaps he too should heed my advice and spend the rest of the season, regardless of context, in a bathing suit. He thinks Brandi has a toxic mouth that runs on gossip. Cut to Kyle meeting Faye for a good gossip session. A) Faye loves Kyle in the color salmon. B) Kyle and Faye hate Brandi. What's with all these women talking such s--- on each other, they wondered. "That's a mean girl mentality," said Faye. "These are not girls, these are like, pit bulls," said Kyle. Cackle, cackle, cackle.
The remarkably named Scheana, the Villa Blanca waitress who predated LeAnn Rimes in Eddie Cibrian's pants, dropped some food off at Villa Rosa. Did the boss lady think it appropriate for her to stay and talk with Brandi? Not now, cried Lisa, who couldn't stomach the idea of a scene. At least not before the premiere of Vanderpump Rules! It's a good thing Lisa swept Scheana out the door because Brandi arrived looking unhinged. "I have so much anxiety," she said. "Look, I've been picking at my face." I really relate to this woman. Lisa excels at talking this deceptively fragile woman in off the ledge and once again she tapped the brakes on Brandi's fight or flight instinct. "Why do you feel that they've treated you so badly?" she calmly wondered. Brandi said her head felt jumbled and she had a hard time articulating her grievances but she knows that Adrienne and Paul planted a story about her the day after Mauricio's party. And considering the number of times I've read Chef Bernie's inflammatory headlines on Radar I do believe that Adrienne spoon-fed that story about Brandi's supposed drunken, mean girl antics. Lisa advised a level head, an attitude of alert indifference—two things very much out of Brandi's wheelhouse. Then she fetched Ken to show off gnarly scar on his little pale leg to amuse Brandi out of her funk.
Suddenly there was a scene of Yolanda bounding up her stairs, and then being encouraged by a very fit 57-year-old man to hold the railing on the way down. There were burpees and tricep dips and more luxury work-out wear. Does Yolanda spray tan? Are her breasts real? Is it fun working out in a den? "Gravity's starting to set in baby," she told her trainer. "I saw my daughter on the runway the other night...." There's no way this sentence could possibly end well. "Everything's so tight, the butt, the legs, the lips..." She just wants to live, she must have the fountain of youth, she must eat Kristen Stewart's heart like a slab of sashimi. "Wait, you're like 28, right?" oozed Dale. Oh Dale. Yolanda's goal is to be married to David Foster longer than any of his three ex-wives so she needs another 25 years on this Earth with a tight ass.
NEXT: Where's your electronic cigarette, Faye?