FROM ZERO TO ZERO PLUS Hey, oh my God, did you guys hear what Brandi said?
And so came the afternoon of Portia's birthday party. Mauricio was flying back from the Sacramento charity walk so Kyle had to deal with the unicorn handler alone. So, wait, she wondered, where were the winged magical creatures she ordered? Why was this portly man presenting her with brown ponies with sad horn caps strapped to their heads? "Eaayah, a bee!" she cried, flapping her arms on the tennis court to ward off a yellow jacket. (This was my second favorite moment of the episode.) Lisa and Ken arrived early, bearing hot pink and lavender wrapped presents. (Rubber sheets and a tequila gun?) Kyle, who looked as beautiful in her green dress as Lisa did in hers, accused her friend of slipping out early so as to avoid a confrontation with Adrienne. Good call Lisa. "I know she means well but this is between Adrienne and I. End of story." A Housewife who makes great TV without resorting to bloated confrontations, manufactured outrage and wagon circling?" This woman really is the queen. And every queen needs a llama. The scene of Lisa leading the animal—"Have you got a diaper? Have you got a diaper?—through Kyle's house is why everyone picks Beverly Hills as the best of the franchise.
As the party hit its stride Portia nom nommed on a stick of blue cotton candy, a scene which can now replace the memory of Taylor's dirty chomp. Camille arrived, looking particular tanned and smooth. Whither Camille goes follows Dedra of course. And Dana popped up into the camera shot, annoying as ever. Camille was wondering if Kim was still in contact with creepy meathead Ken and she was clumsily trying to deflect the conversation. "I'm just happy to be here today," said Kim. "Did you break up with that guy?" barked Dana, exploding onto the scene. "I've been dying to know." Camille sensed tension so she gave Dedra the abort signal and went to hide in the bathroom. "I don't like the word break up," said Kim. "What did you do, stop having sex with him," hee hawed Dana. Ugh, that woman.
Meanwhile Brandi was having an anxiety attack behind those red heart sunglasses. For all her bawdy bravado she's a vulnerable woman and her one ally in Lisa had left for a "wine tasting." In a surprise move, Brandi leaned hard on Kyle throughout her short stay, worrying that the girls were going to mean to her and that the anxiety was too much and that Taylor had given her fat diss when she arrived. Kyle, who was rightfully distracted what with it being her daughter's birthday party, encouraged her to stay and face her fears. Brandi, showing some rare good judgment, made a sad little solo exit, clutching her child-sized purse. As soon as the door closed behind Brandi, Taylor found it appropriate to guffaw meanly about Brandi's "I've slept with everybody in Beverly Hills" moment at the Villa Blanca party. Kyle was right to back away slowly from the viper's den. On the other side of the party Paul, that purple windbag, hissed and moaned some more about Lisa's outrageous behavior. Somebody stick a unicorn horn in the man's mouth.
And now for my favorite moment of the episode: Kim and Camille commandeered the photo booth. "Should we do glamour?" asked Kim. Duh! And so she held up her little chin and opened her mouth in a silent wheeze. Oh Kim, you still got it.
Next week: Lisa and Adrienne have the upscale version of the Caroline and Danielle sit-down dinner. Taylor dogs Brandi again, this time to a stone-eyed Yolanda.
Well folks? Was this a good narrative builder of an episode or a non-starter? Does a part of you like Yolanda despite her haughty ridiculousness? Why does Paul have such a hard-on for a confrontation with Lisa? And does Taylor actually think she's making Brandi look bad in those moments of gossip rather than herself? Did she learn nothing from Season 2?