The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: A Bunch of Heels

The women (hey Camille!) gather to celebrate Portia's 4th birthday party; Adrienne and Paul pout.
Ep. 02 | Aired Nov 12, 2012

FROM ZERO TO ZERO PLUS Hey, oh my God, did you guys hear what Brandi said?

Twas a typical second episode of a Housewives season. The women were still idling with fresh start cheer, everybody except Adrienne who is incredibly put out by Lisa not wanting to be her friend after being called a liar and a sell-out. Kyle and Adrienne kicked off the episode by meeting at a children's shopping store. They kissed and helloed, wondering if the other had been there long. Of course they both appeared to be carrying matching coffee cups which I think in reality TV land means they decided to meet for a quick strategy session at Starbucks before their filming commenced. Adrienne wanted direction on Portia's present—definitely the three-tiered sparkler, Kim loves hers—but her real mission was to look pinched and purse her lips in lemony disapproval over Pump's radio silence. "At this point I feel that she's very, uh, immature," said Adrienne. "I had no idea she could be this immature. She's being so immature." I would've loved a quick cut at this point to Lisa enjoying herself at brunch with some adult friends or arranging a vase of Villa Blanca flowers or taking Giggy to the salon, doing anything other than obsessing over Adrienne and Paul.

Kyle played it close to the vest, even managing to say that yes Lisa is sensitive and some people handle being sensitive better than others. What she should've done is knock on Adrienne's head and say "Hellos, wake up brain! You did the woman wrong. You don't even like the woman. So rethink all this whiny righteousness and come correct." Instead Kyle saved her judgment for a private interview. "I understand Lisa being hurt and I don't think Lisa owes Adrienne an apology in this argument."

Taylor invited Kyle and Mauricio and Adrienne and Paul over for dinner which meant she spent hours hovering over the caterer asking if there was enough ice in the margarita pitcher. The menu was Spanish food in honor of Mauricio. Or Mexican, whatever! Everyone was a big fan of Taylor's weight gain. "From zero to zero plus," said Adrienne through gritted teeth. No wonder the woman's always grumpy. She's never gone to town on a plate of food in her life, groused Paul. Sitting at the head of the table Taylor reminded everyone that it's become her life mission to spread the word about domestic abuse, so she was hoping Mauricio and Paul would participate in a charity walk where men walk a mile in women's shoes. Oh the hilarity! Hey, most excellent cause, charming method to raise money and awareness. But I can only take so many scenes of Paul scenery-chewing as he tries on various heels in a store or shuffles after Mauricio in a pair of silver moon boots. Give me Portia kicking off her shoes in the car on the way to dinner any day. (What is it with kids shedding their footwear in cars by the way? Drives me nuts.)

Oh Yolanda, you nordic ice queen who I like despite all the red flags. She attended her beautiful 17-year-old daughter Gigi's modeling shoot and made sure to alienate everyone. Especially her daughter, who looked increasingly miserable as her mother tried to captain the ship. "Just relax, let me deal with it," said Yolanda, without realizing that she seemed to be the only thing giving her daughter agita. I love an edit in which a woman asserts "I don't care about money" or "I don't like fake people" or "I'm not a stage mom" and then the accompanying footage proves otherwise. Yolanda wants to see what Gigi is going to wear. Yolanda wants Gigi in something sexy. Yolanda doesn't want the makeup artist to give Gigi Chinese eyes. (Brandi explained on WWHL that because Yolanda is Dutch she sometimes doesn't know of what she speaks. Hmmm.) Yolanda doesn't want Gigi admitting to wearing anything other than Guess. Yolanda doesn't want that one bad picture used. Yolanda wants everyone to remember that Gigi is beautiful because her famous model mother decreed it so. "She was bred for this," smiled Yolanda, like a mad scientist who knows her plans for world domination are almost complete.

NEXT: It's not a child's birthday party without some bitchery.

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