SHE'S AN OPEN PORTAL Andy Cohen called a meeting today to discuss the possibility of The Real Housewives of Beyond.
Has a mountain lion clawed up the entry porch of Kim's house? Or bats gotten into a fight? Regardless Kim welcomed a ghost expert into her house to explain to Kim why she always feels like someone is sitting next to her in bed at night watching TV. (Those are the voices in your head!) The expert told her it was the spirits of her future grandchildren. And some other lady too. "With all these spirits here I don't feel like I really want to go anywhere, right?" she said in her Season 2 slow voice. Uh oh. Chatting by the fireplace Kim pointed up at the air above the mantel and said "I see hearts," which was the line in the first draft of The Sixth Sense.
Kyle and Faye went mannequin shopping for Kyle's new store. I'm sure this sounded like a fun bit when they discussed it with production and I can picture Kyle loving how hilarious it would be to see her drive off with mannequin legs sticking up in the backseat, but no. Also, decorator Faye's A-list clientele: Avril Lavigne, Nick Lachey, Kevin Connolly.
Brandi and Marisa went out to dinner with Marisa's cute husband and her adorable brother. So far, so good. We seem to have thus far all gotten a good impression of the woman. And yet Marisa couldn't help dogging on her husband about how much he's not her type. That struck Brandi as a little weird but it's all good because Brandi got to make a joke about Dean sleeping with Romanian hookers and not get in trouble.
So much time left in this slow episode. There was a vulnerable scene of Brandi with curlers in her hair feeding her little dogs in her leased kitchen. She called Kyle to make sure there wouldn't be any drama with Mauricio at their buddy's art opening. The party was lame but the food looked amaze. Kyle wore a headband that seemed better suited for one of the Vanderpump Rules girls. Paris showed up with Farrah and we all learned that she gives concerts. Is this like a Kim Zolciak "singing" Tardy for the Party at a Gay Pride beach party? Paris would have us believe that she closed for Jennifer Lopez in front of 30,000 people but I'm not sure I can go there. Marisa again wouldn't shut her trap about how she settled. "I don't even think he's that sexy... And he's so in love with me....I got married in my 20s. I think I should've waited to get married until I was in my 30s...Now I look back and I'm like I didn't party, I didn't do anything." Brandi has a solution for that! Vegas trip coming up in which I gather she's going to teach some divorcees how to swing their ass around a stripper pole. Bonus: Taylor can't go!
In the end Mauricio swanned up to Ken and presented him with an "amazing" bottle of gin that would look "amazing" on Ken's bar. Ken, in his first truly withering moment of the series, looked dismissively down at the bottle and sing-songed "amazing." Mauricio got served.
Next week: Krissy!