SHE'S AN OPEN PORTAL Andy Cohen called a meeting today to discuss the possibility of The Real Housewives of Beyond.
More of the same: Yolanda looks great in pants, it's about Brandi's kids, and Ken hasn't forgiven Mauricio his meddling.| Published Jan 22, 2013
Back at the Moroccan restaurant tensions were still high. Mauricio kept hectoring Brandi, Kim continued to tuck her bosoms back into her dress. Brandi was done listening to everyone else rehash her various ills. She wanted Mauricio to appreciate the vulnerable state the lawsuit would put her and her two sons in should Maloof pull the trigger. "They have a billion f---ing dollars and now she's suing me. Perfect!" Ken's cute little jowls hung low, so weary and disappointed was he in Mauricio's lack of chivalry. Kyle, who I must say looked quite beautiful, was feeling fussy that yet another of her make-nice dinners had gone bust. (Though oddly it was first her best friend who went on the attack and killed the buzz, and now her husband.)
Meanwhile on narcissism row Taylor blathered to Camille that every one of them could go f--- themselves for all she cared. She's had it worse than everybody, she slurred. Times 10! "Taylor, you're talking such nonsense!" a bored Yolanda scolded from the other table. Excuuuuuuze me, said Taylor as she leaned in closer to an increasingly imprisoned-looking Camille. "Find David hanging and be bankrupt and have $1.5 million lawsuit and public companies suing you and not have been a supermodel in your life then let me know how you feel?!" Camille tried for perspective, which Taylor interpreted as an invitation to ice pick some holes into Yolanda's surface. "I think we know a little bit more about her husband than she knows we know," she sneered meanly to Camille. Whatever Taylor. Did you check out Yolanda's gams in those pants? Ya burnt. Kim and Mauricio were enjoying a rare moment of sibling affection what with them both so suspicious of Brandi. "To water!" toasted Kim.
At the end of the evening Mauricio approached Brandi and pseudo-apologized for what he doesn't know but not for what he does know, don't you know? "Typical man," groused Ken. In the limo home Ken and Lisa sighed about all the less awesome people in their midst and clasped hands in romantic solidarity. New theory: Could it possibly be that Ken and Lisa are actually Mr and Mrs Santa Claus?
I'ma need somebody out there to make a remix video of Kyle both running away from bees and jumping back in alarm from her tossed matches into the fire. She was setting a welcoming mood for Paul and Adrienne to rejoin the show. Kyle pretended to feel torn in her allegiances between Adrienne and Brandi. Adrienne did not pretend to like her husband. Mauricio wondered if any of their friends were looking to put their houses on the market.
Yolanda has decided that opulence and the occasional barb at Taylor is enough for her storyline. This week we saw her decorating efforts at her ex Mohamed's mansion. By the way he is now dating a swan, but cheating on her with an olive tree. While Yolanda was directing some furniture movers she stopped to nag a young man that he really needed to learn English now that he lives in America. Take courage from her example. "When I come to America I don't speak no English," she said. He kept pretending not to speak the language so as to discourage her from more talking.