But the episode lacked juice. There was no tension, no provocateur. The producers needed something to create drama, but what? Their backs against the wall they were forced to reach out to the person they'd long since cut from their ranks. It had come to this. "I received a call from an old friend who's been having a difficult time with a breakup," said Taylor. Hmm, intriguing. Oh God, not that nasal sneer of a voice. The mean yet desperate laugh. The spray tan! Yep, there was Dana marooned on a sofa, three sheets to the smoke-dense wind. That man Brandi told her was probably no good and everyone ripped her a new one for saying so? He's no good. Which means Dana is back on the market and she's hungry for any man in Ed Hardy. "Ohmygod, it's the best," she bragged. "What, why, get out there and get going! It's so good. I might be the only person in our group getting laid." Oh honey, you still think you're in the group. "Ken twice a year. No, I imagine Lisa like 'Oh my god darling may I politely suck your penis please?'" Impressed yet? Cuz she's just getting started.
"I drink a lot, and I'm okay with it. And I f-- a lot, and I'm okay with it too. Just so you know."Give her a second to get a good hit off her Kool. Drinking and f--ing is cool and all, but our Dana has seen some hard times thanks to that fink ex of hers. "My Lamborghini, he told me to drop it at the mechanic, he didn't want to pay for it anymore. My birthday present? House of cards. All of it." Yay, whatever, Brandi may have been right all along but she wants that woman to burn. "Are you friends with Brandi now? Because I hate that bitch." You got to understand that Dana just really values class and, oops, give her a second because this ciggie isn't going to light itself in a glass of water. "Come on, the only reason that Brandi even knows any of us, because believe me she is not of par with our group, is Adrienne." Taylor looked incredibly sober and politely disgusted throughout Dana's rant. "I was talking to my life coach the other day..." she said. Nope, let Dana give you some advice. "They really love themselves, all of these women." And there is nothing worse than a woman with self-esteem, y'all. Take it from Dana and Taylor.
It was opening night of Kyle's store and she wasn't sure what to wear. Mauricio wasn't helping, looking up as she changed to deliver monotone reviews. "Beautiful. No way. Woooow." Kyle went with a tight number that was part Cherokee Brand for Target, part Victoria's Secret evening wear. Imagine a store with similarly busy prints and drapey silks and big earrings as far as the eye can see. Kyle by Alene Too!
At the party Taylor wanted to make nice with Yolanda. As Yolanda glared imperiously down at her, Taylor went on about how she never had a problem with her, it was always David, her best friend's ex, whom she thought she didn't like. Who is Taylor in this world, Yolanda wondered to us. "Don't talk about my ex-husband. He's been so good to all of his ex wives." Oy, now that's the guy you want to bring home to Mama. But Taylor dug in and said when she finally went to their dinner party she realized that David was actually "pretty cute and sweet." Yeah but Yolanda really just likes a straight-shooter and Taylor should've been cool enough to approach David and tell him 'You're a real asshole.'" Anyways, Taylor just wanted to apologize and wipe the slate clean. Yolanda stared at her coolly before curtly saying "Accepted. Perfect." So, uh, that's that.
NEXT: Kim and Kyle have come a long way from that limo.