The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: The Ladies Should Just Start Skipping Dinner

Brandi gets hammered again for that mysterious thing she said about Adrienne and Paul. Taylor gets hammered again.
Ep. 09 | Aired Jan 14, 2013

STFU Yo Mauricio. Lay off already.


Quick narrative break to discuss that little scenic segue in which a random Beverly Hills person walked a little dog who was wearing a sleeveless jean jacket, pleated skirt and four shiny black shoes. Again, I am describing the dog's outfit.

Kim continues to live in everyone's Grandmother's house. Her life coach Gary was coming over so that meant her house man Milton was in overdrive making preparations. Gary seems like a reasonable enough man and rightly praised Kim for having some light back in her eye since rehab. It's just that she's having such a hard time letting go of her anger at Kyle. Flashback scene to Kim in a choke holder necklace in the back of a limo making messy accusations and Kyle then lunging like a panther at her with some accusations of her own. "Since I've come home, I don't feel like she's the same person. I miss her," she said. Gary  pointed out that she was the one who was different now, what with her sobriety.

Over at Villa Blanca the nervous-looking Andrew ought to start looking for a new job. Not only did he need to ask Lisa what she'd like in her tea (2% milk, you rube!) but he failed to remove the drooping hydrangea from the arrangement on the hostess stand. Speaking of the hostess, she rightly kept her head down and tried not to make eye contact. While Lisa was moaning her approval for her chef's special of the day, sweet Ken was back home feverishly digging holes for the new pink primroses while urging house woman Rosie to tie pink bows around Lisa's new swing faster. "I'm hoping my project will inspire some rrrrr-omance," he said. When Lisa returned home he told her to close her eyes and led her out to the backyard. There waited Lisa's fairy princess swing and a heart-shaped bed of flowers and a little pink chair and umbrella for Giggy to rest under. It was utterly ridiculous and perfect all at the same time. "I thought when the children left home maybe we'd try swinging," cracked Lisa. "I just didn't think it'd be like this." As Lisa pumped her little white jeans into the air, Ken proposed they have vow renewal ceremony, and subsequent night of consummation, for their 30th wedding anniversary. This all means that she will have another occasion to wear a tiara which is going to drive Kyle some of the other women crazy.

Dinner party time. What could possibly go wrong?! Kyle picked Marisa up in a limo and I love that the woman appeared to live a normal house with one of those portable basketball nets in the driveway. Could it be that Marisa is normal-ish? Brandi met them at the Moroccan restaurant with news that Adrienne and Paul were suing her broke ass. "They want my leased house," she said. The rest of the women showed up one by one, each of them strutting through the restaurant like they were on a cat walk. Love Lisa's dress with that sexy back. Love seeing Yolanda in a sparkly top though she refused to get out of her jeans. Camille did her angry cat walk. Kim got dressed by Lena Dunham's Golden Globes stylist—voluminous fabric, lots of exposed chest. Immediately the women started after Kim about going on the master cleanse. No thanks, she said, while insisting that she never bailed on any date with Yolanda. "Why? Why? Why? Why?" demanded Kyle. Kim was at last saved by a flirty belly dancer and Kyle took a break from her interrogation to swing that damn pony tail in the air. The men joined the women, except for David Foster who was home entertaining Barbra Streisand, duh.

When they sat down, Kim turned to Kyle for a little heart-to-heart. In explaining their fissures, Kim was as succinct and lucid as she's ever been: "You resented me for drinking. I resented you for the way you treated me for drinking." Meanwhile at the other table Taylor was completely loaded. Can't somebody set her up with a man? Leezer, she whined, get her her own Ken doll! Naturally her talk turned quickly to tears. It's just that she feels so guilty when she goes on a date! "You can't carry the guilt for what he's done," encouraged Camille. It was all so hard, cried Taylor, because she loved him but he's left her in such a dismal mess. "My daughter goes to me 'Mommy, can we go on our plane again?' And I'm like 'Baby, there's no plane.'" Priceless cut to Brandi's expressionless yet somehow still disdainful face.

NEXT: Somebody rescue Dean Zanuck.

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