The ladies arrived at the restaurant soon afterward to try out some new appetizers (any excuse to get around a table, right?), where they spent about six minutes air kissing before sitting down. It was finally time for the meat of the episode -- and I'm not talking about the salmon skewers that yet another Sur staff member, Francis, brought to the table. The drama (of perhaps the whole season) came to the surface when Lisa asked Brandi why she had such a poisonous relationship with Adrienne. Brandi explained that she thinks Adrienne is a dishonest person. She lied about her book deal (Brandi sniped in her interview, "What's your book about? How to have a rich family?"), and she also tried to force Brandi to tweet nice things about her. But really, the worst, most deplorable lie that Malooficent ever told is... <MESSAGE REDACTED>. For whatever reason, the producers weren't going to let us hear what so infuriated Brandi. Part of me thinks that's because there actually is a lawsuit surrounding the comments, and another part of me wonders whether Adrienne begged the Bravo producers, Ramona Singer-style, to keep the accusations under wraps.
We do know from the rest of the cast's horrified responses that Brandi's words had to do with the Maloof family, and from the sounds of her argument later in the episode with Paul and Adrienne, their children, specifically. It was only Kim, a former victim of "Truth Cannon" Glanville, who seemed genuinely put off by Brandi's statements, not just gaping out of faux-shock (or because that's just the way their crazy mouths look). Kim, as healthy and lucid as she'd ever appeared, told Taylor that she just didn't think it was right to mess up someone's family that way.
The show then cut to the Maloof residence, where Adrienne was reprimanding Paul, who was cutting lettuce with a knife rather than tearing it by hand — something my non-cooking mother has always told me to do, and something I've never once believed makes any real difference to anyone. Apparently, Adrienne's picked up some culinary sense since cleaning her chicken breast with hand soap a year ago, though, and she rolled her eyes at the foolishness of it all. Also, Paul is gross and has a hairy back, so say his wife and kids. Ugh. Men. What buffoons.
The women gathered the following day at an event celebrating the successful launch of Mauricio's real estate agency. I'm not sure why Bravo felt obligated to spend so much time pimping out Mauricio's business venture (or is this getting its own reality show, too?), but we had to endure a few minutes of him showing a $2.5 million condo to a clearly disinterested Camille. The scene played a lot like an actual real estate function. We'll patiently endure a few minutes of timeshare pitches, but we really only showed up for the free donuts and orange juice, so stop talking please and bring on the shouting match!
NEXT PAGE: "That's a lawsuit!"