The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: A War of Words

The ladies of Beverly Hills wear tiny bits of fabric and wage mental warfare on each other in Palm Springs.
Ep. 06 | Aired Dec 9, 2013

HAVE YOUR CAKE Jacquie-I-mean-Joyce contmeplates every decision that's led her to this dinner table in hell-I-mean-Palm-Springs

Chris Haston/NBC

Road Trip! The ladies head off to Palm Springs in various town cars. In the Former Model-mobile, Yolanda says the first time she was in Palm Springs was the first time she ever did the master cleanse and Brandi jokes (maybe?), “Oh my god, that’s the first time I ever did cocaine.” In my book, that lemon and hot sauce cleanse for 10 days is about as crazy as cocaine one time. Over in the Buggy of the Brits, Lisa tells Carlton the only thing she knows about Joyce is “she’s got a small coochie and her husband's got a big winkie.” I could only add that she was Miss Puerto Rico and is “b*itchy on her period," and I watch this show professionally.

Everyone arrives at the villa Joyce has arranged and scrambles for the best bedrooms like this is the damn Real World. But I’ve never heard anyone on The Real World complain about their sheets being ironed. Carlton brings out her Betsyville luggage that I just know she got from TJ Maxx (because it’s where I got mine, obviously) and endears herself to me forever - OK, for the next 10 minutes until she starts terrifying me again - by saying in a Newsies voice, “I haven’t got any Louis Vuittons!”

Finally, it’s time for the War of the Trigger Words, beginning with the Battle of the Pool. Brandi keeps calling Joyce “Jacqueline,” insisting it’s because Joyce is not a Latina name, like white girls aren’t allowed to be named Vanessa and vice versa. Just learn the damn name, Brandi! She demands liquor instead. Everyone squeals about taking their wraps off until Joyce finally does it, causing Kim to say, “Who wants me to take my wrap off now when Bo Derrick is next to me?” I am rapidly becoming Team New Kim, if only because she mostly makes funny noises in her interviews, and really, what other option is there currently?

Yolanda is wearing what appears to be a tank top and jorts, but reveals itself to be a sensible one piece in a sea of Virgin Mary-illustrated string bikinis. Her fashion sense is simply delightful to try and figure out. Brandi and Carlton are in the pool discussing the merits of lady kissing when they all inexplicably starts hounding Joyce to get in the pool, including Yolanda, who is not actually in it herself.

Look, I get that Joyce is annoying and it’s easy to want to try to crack the façade of someone who seems like they’re faking it, but Kyle is right (it just started snowing in Hell) in encouraging them to lay off the *double word score* peer pressure. Carlton hisses, “please don’t say peer pressure, this is not peer pressure” about what is the definition of Joyce’s peers pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Joyce attempts to laugh it off and tells them she really doesn’t know how to swim. Brandi slurs, “you’re a black person.” Oh my gosh, but don’t worry you guys, it’s not racist or inappropriate, because Brandi’s black friends would have totally thought her joke was HI-larious! Because, apparently, Brandi only has really terrible friends who won’t tell her when she’s acting like a jackass.

NEXT: Dinner for yucks...

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