The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: A War of Words

The ladies of Beverly Hills wear tiny bits of fabric and wage mental warfare on each other in Palm Springs.
Ep. 06 | Aired Dec 9, 2013

HAVE YOUR CAKE Jacquie-I-mean-Joyce contmeplates every decision that's led her to this dinner table in hell-I-mean-Palm-Springs

Chris Haston/NBC

You can always count on drunkenness to kick a waning season up a notch. Yes, Monday night’s episode was The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills I know and love/loathe: there are two sides to every story and both of them are 100% wrong. I headed into this episode of Beverly Hills a little timid, as I am not your regular recapper, just filling in for the always on point Karen Valby. I’m just a simple Southern recapper for the Atlanta Housewives, a land where the women are so busy getting re-married to their current husbands and going to mortuary school that they don’t really take the time to get hammered, which is both too bad and, apparently, a relief.

Last night’s drama is the kind I have a hard time comprehending, where you can’t always tell who the good guys and bad guys are. Of course, there are no real good guys here, but the camps have now been so firmly divided between the Popular Girls Who Smoke Cigs in the Bathroom (Brandi, Yolanda, Lisa and, tentatively, Carlton) and the Wannabe Good Girls (Kyle, Joyce and the artist formerly known as Kim), that it feels like you have to be on one side of the other. Because if we’re not rooting for someone, then what exactly are we doing here?

What is Brandi doing here? Well, she’s nabbed herself a second book deal (because a girl’s got to drink), and is working on an outline with her ragtag cast of Sex and the Hills. Nine of twelve chapters will be about sex and for the many, many straight men out there reading, this is a list of acts you need to comply with in order for your wife not to cheat on you: nipple pinching, “the two-finger trick,” “the pressing down thing,” oh and, of course, choking. Don’t ever forget about choking, you guys!

I am immediately concerned that Kyle and Carlton are shopping together, because there couldn’t possibly be a store in all the world that could outfit them both. And because there is nothing in those two women’s personalities, souls or ids that could ever allow them to get along with each other. Carlton rolls her eyes as a shop-woman in a fedora absolutely fawns over Kyle and attempts to compliment her by telling her she has body dysmorphia. Carlton lays down no such accolades, but tells Kyle everything she’s done to annoy her since the day they met, including wandering off for wine while she was talking about auras or something. I agree that it’s good to get things out in the open in a one-on-one setting (while Kyle can shop for a 45th bejeweled tunic for her collection), but I also stand firmly behind not trying to be friends with someone you truly can’t stand. That’s what leads to, as Kyle says (but puts off on the country of Mexico), “looking for tits on ants.”

NEXT: You get in the pool! No, you! No, you! <insert racist remark here>


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