The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: VanDerPomp and Circumstance

The Richards Sisters get emotional around graduation day and David Foster gets a star on the Walk of Fame. Also, facials.
Ep. 05 | Aired Dec 2, 2013

DO YOU HAVE THIS IN SIZE NEGATIVE? Slow episode for Brandi, who went bikini shopping and mopped up dog pee.

Bravo

There were three shoot days on last night's episode that particularly tickled Andy Cohen in pre-production:

"Morning, Brandi's house. Close up shots of urine and piles of small dog turds in otherwise empty living room."

"Afternoon, aesthetician's office. Close up shots of Jar Jar Binks papier mache masks on Kyle and Joyce."

"Morning, Beverly Hills veterinarian/animal acupuncturist office. Close up shots of needles sticking out of Carlton's outraged cat's head. Tell sound guy to crank up volume to capture sounds of animal hissing."

On paper this is gold, the ludicrously absurd and excessive grist for the madcap fun of Seasons 1 and 2. And yet the hour dragged. The dog owner in me was screaming at Brandi to train her dogs, or take them out on walks more often so they weren't dribbling all over the house. I may secretly want one of those age-defying facials but we've been there, done that already with Kim and Kyle in a previous scene. And Carlton's cat Midnight would likely have fared better with a good nap on top of some warm towels on the dryer than having to endure a bunch of sticks in his noggin in a cramped room with a camera crew. Does Carlton's edgy righteousness turn you off? Blame her poor social skills on the fact that  she played with wild birds and cats as a girl instead of actual children.

Meanwhile, I smell a spin-off show: The Richards Sisters Go To College! Kimberly's graduation stirred up all kinds of feelings in the girls. Kimmie, who couldn't stop reminding us that would've loved to go to college but was too busy handing her paychecks over to her Ma, was kind of lovely deep breathing her way through the big day. Good thing Kathy Hilton was on hand to lend her loving support. "Is that what you're wearing?" she said, looking in disdain at Kim's dress and then later her shoes. She makes Kyle look like Mother Theresa in comparison.

There was one terrifically telling exchange between Lisa and my beloved Ken that will surely be replayed at the Reunion. The back-and-forth scene began with Kyle and Mauricio on their bedroom settees, shaking their fists at how their marriage and his character has been maligned in the tabloids. Kyle asserted that not once for two months did Lisa defend them in the press or on Twitter. And now she had the nerve to pout that Kyle didn't immediately hop to on Twitter to defend Lisa against charges of bullying? (Good grief, can Bravo institute a rule to ban the word "bullying" from Housewives' mouths?)

NEXT: Ken explains what it means to be a true friend.

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