The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Wicked Witch of the West L.A.

Ding dong, the witch Carlton is alive and popping off at Ken and Mauricio's birthday party. Duck Kyle.
Ep. 14 | Aired Feb 3, 2013

REALLY, KYLE? REALLY? Carlton is still really angry at Kyle for what she did to her in a dream.


That SUR waitress Scheana got engaged so she was draping her new rock over passed cocktail napkins. "Say something to Scheana about her getting married," Lisa nonsensically whispered to Brandi. This didn't sit well with our leggy friend but did result in the world's most awkward hallway conversation. Brandi smiled through seething teeth hello at the waitress who had slept with her husband and explained the many ways in which marriage is bogus. "Thank you, mmm, mmmnh, thank you," said Scheana, while Stassi and Ken looked on in horrified delight.

Outside Kyle was tugging at various folds of her water dancer-colored dress. Oh honey, just go up a size! Speaking of water dancers, there certainly weren't any at this party. But there were two confused-looking women stumbling around in the shallow end, lazily kicking at the cold water. Finally that labrador Jax wagged his tail at the prospect of getting to take his shirt off and he grabbed the nearly nude party planner Chi Chi Chi and they cannonballed into the pool. Worth the price of admission just to see Lisa and Ken enjoy a good full-throated laugh together.

Over a lovely, rose-strewn dinner Ken delivered what must have been a drunken toast to Mauricio and then Lisa parroted Kyle's ode to her husband. All of this chummy business was very confusing to Brandi who appears next week to try to sever Kyle and Lisa's growing bond. Everyone was having a grand old time until Kyle made the sin of referring to Carlton as "her." This was the moment Carlton had been waiting for and she struck with the fury of a reality TV player who understands that she's lacking a storyline. "You are very passive aggressive, that's what you do," she told a stunned Kyle. "I have a very good intuition." And a dream life! And friends who take dumps in the powder room at parties! And bee friends!

Kyle, who acquitted herself quite well during this barrage of nonsense, reminded Carlton that she was at her husband's birthday party, not that Carlton gave a damn. Oh, and that pretty necklace Carlton was happy to receive as a gift? It's in a glass of distilled water back at the house. Booyah! Oh, and for somebody who's Jewish, Carlton sneered, Kyle should really learn how to count the points on a star. Kyle, who'd been accused this point of being vile and nasty and disgusting and passive aggressive and anti-Wiccan, wondered if Carlton's argument about the tattoo business smacked of anti-Semitism? THERE IT IS, cried Carlton. Kyle and her labeling! How could anyone ever accuse Carlton of ever promoting anything other than peace, love and polyamorous sexuality! Even Brandi thought Carlton was nuts. Be gone ya witch.

Next week: Brandi turns for good on Lisa. Carlton wants us to know that she once lived in South Africa.

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