'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Everybody Hates Everybody

Hello to all! Karen Valby is out of town today, but don't worry -- she'll be back before you can say Machiavellic. In the meantime, let's meditate on the six players in our reunion, part one:

Does Maloof talk? I can't recall her saying much of anything when she's not among other Maloofs. Tonight it was like she wasn't there at all. I even debated renaming her Aloof, but that's not quite it. She seems scared, or wary, which I guess is normal behavior when you socialize with sharks. The rest of the ladies were super excited to recount the times she's shown any emotion whatsoever. “I loved when you did that thing in the pool!” Kyle said, pumping her fist in the air in mock anger. No mention of Maloof's tear-up at the Camille/Kelsey breakup montage. No, Kyle loved the angry Maloof. Sharks, seriously. Her only choice quotes of the night, and I paraphrase: "I wouldn't have my husband fix me with a knife, because he might do a bad job. He might do a bad job on purpose."

Also on the Couch of Those Who Have No One was Camille. Camille ran her usual course of facial tics, especially the “Who, me?” and the “Gotcha!” When she came up with the idea that Kyle needed her as a “target,” the most devilish expression took over her face. Her lips twitched up, her eyes sort of brightened. It was one of the few times she's ever looked happy, in a hunted-animal-who's-just-seen-its-predator-get-mauled way. I don't know what she's trying to prove. In fact I don't understand anything about the Camille/Kyle fight. Why are they acting like there's some important point they both have to agree on? Isn't the resolution that they're nuts? This is the point of the show right? Crazy women being crazy? Sort of like Snapped? Don't they know this?! Then again, Camille has a tenuous grasp on how "the little people" see her life. I'd never actually heard someone say the phrase “the beloved actor who played Frasier” until tonight. It is a wrong phrase, like nonsense words. Camille said many other inanities, for instance, her defense of the idea that she was thirty percent more emotionally taxed than the people around her.

Kim looked like the Platonic ideal of sadness. Her mouth is etched into a permanent frown. Like, an emoticon frown. And her eyes sort of droop down at the sides.You know that thing you do to kids, where you pull their lips up and force them to smile. Would it work on Kim? Or is she like that other kid who kept her face in one position for so long it stuck? What are Kim's nightmares like? I can't imagine anything making her more miserable than daily life seems to. When she did change her mouth position slightly, it was to air her sadness in words. “I don't understand why someone with a charity against violence would threaten me,” she kept saying. This was a silly thing to keep saying. However large Taylor's lips are, she's not about to fight anyone. Wasn't the phrase in question something about “going all Oklahoma on you?” I have been to Oklahoma, and that phrase literally means "I'm going to go all peopleless on you." Kim, it's cool. You want your sister to care. I want it for you too.

Next: Taylor winks aggressively, and Kyle is a paradox

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