'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Pernicious Minds

In the Big Apple, the battle royale between Kyle and Camille raged on over untouched plates of pasta. "I don't lie, it's not my personality," lied Camille. "Well then you hallucinate," snapped Kyle. She looked to her sister for back up, but Kim had already gone to her dark place, flooded with memories of when Eddie Albert and Donald Pleasence used to bicker on the set of Escape to Witch Mountain. "I get nervous!" she whined in her sad Roby voice.

Listen Wives, you're not going to pull one over on Camille. She is a detective when it comes to reading people, and if anyone even so much as thought the word insecure on that f^@*ing plane ride she will sniff them out. Lisa had no idea what Camille was jabbering on about but Mrs. Grammer was not falling for that old innocent routine. "Lisa is very Macchiavellic in its nature," said Camille. Who, what, now? She had taken enough abuse for one evening and left in a slinking huff. Nick was upstairs waiting for her anyway, to whisper in her ear from a script about the wonders of her cleavage until she fell asleep.

Kim's brain waves did a little ring-around-the-rosie because suddenly she was pronouncing that Camille had made her sister look stupid. "She was defending herself," insisted Lisa, frowning at the woman's disloyalty. What I was most struck by in this delicious episode was how my beloved Madame VanderPumpkin is a far warmer big-sister figure to Kyle than Kim could ever be. Kyle left a very conciliatory message for Camille to no avail. Camille was not impressed. The woman is dead to her, she told her makeup artist and her hair dresser. Who cares if Kyle even said those things in Vegas anyway? The point is that Kyle is jealous of her, just like all women are jealous of her. "So many women have been so catty with me because I'm married to a celebrity," she explained. Oh for the love of...

Her awfulness aside, one couldn't help but ache for Camille when she trotted backstage to give Kelsey a big kiss after his Broadway debut. He submitted to her affections, and then, with a tight smile on his face, tried shoving her out the door. She scooted around him to look at his flowers and the impatience on his face was excruciatingly naked. "I guess the best you can hope for in a long relationship," he said in a private interview, his voice weary, "is that you married someone who's decent and nice." Whoops!

Back in Beverly Hills, Camille's house manager reminded her boss to turn her copy of The Art of War right side up before the cameras started rolling. Camille rang a bell and Nick popped by smelling like a freshly opened stick of Irish Spring. "Kyle really acted like a crazed homeless woman," Camille huffed to her ball boy.

NEXT: Kyle will pay! SHE'LL PAY!

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