The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap: The Rose Gold Standard

On the season premiere, Lisa is so over Adrienne, Kim is one month sober, and we got our first taste of new Housewife Yolanda. (Tastes like sharp cheddar.)
Ep. 01 | Aired Nov 5, 2012

MEAN GIRLISH So Adrienne called Lisa a liar who sold out her friends? Friends forgive each other.

Hey guys, Taylor still gets overwhelmed sometimes, what with Russell's death and all the lawsuits and the threat of global warming. But some days she wakes up with a renewed sense of purpose in her life and she looks herself straight in the mirror and says "Girl, this is a new day. This is a day for shopping." She met Adrienne at a store and tried on a drawstring skirt she worried made her look like MC Hammer. It did. She bought it though because it was forgiving. And the jeans looked okay on her butt, right? Bodies, the worst! Finally the two got around to marveling over Lisa's diss. Taylor laid it on thick, saying she never imagined what with them having been neighbors that Lisa ever would have axed her from the guest list. Adrienne finds it mean-girlish, frankly. Oh no, that means accusations of bullying are nigh.

At the party, there were waiters in white feathers and wings, a Taylor in pink tights, and water for Kim and Yolanda. I heard Brandi glibly suggest that Yolanda knew everybody and had slept with everybody in town but that got turned around to Brandi supposedly bragging that she had slept with everyone. Kyle wondered after Kim's attendance at Portia's party but Kim dodged her in clumsy fashion. Inevitably, the talk turned to signs. Kyle and Yolanda share a birthday, Capricorns represent. Brandi a Scorpio,Kyle explains, so no wonder she's such a slutty bitch. (So what does that make my Dad?) Kim can't believe she came in late to an astrological conversation because Virgos are never late. Before the party could hit its stride, Lisa was alerted that she had a special flower delivery waiting for her at the front. This was not a simple vase of french tulips, y'all. Instead Adrienne had sent over a Salvador Dali display of drooping, moody flowers, the total effect of which was both menacing and sad. You mess with Adrienne, and you will choke on the scent of her heavily perfumed disdain.

Next week: Camel toe!

Some questions about the coming up scenes for what I fear will be a far less dramatic season: Is that Taylor and Brandi kissing on the floor? Are those real steaks Yolanda is holding over Kyle's head? Poor Kim's nose! Is Brandi really always fine? Is Taylor the asshole that Yolanda curtly suggests? Who actually will get sued this season?

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