The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap: The Rose Gold Standard

On the season premiere, Lisa is so over Adrienne, Kim is one month sober, and we got our first taste of new Housewife Yolanda. (Tastes like sharp cheddar.)
Ep. 01 | Aired Nov 5, 2012

MEAN GIRLISH So Adrienne called Lisa a liar who sold out her friends? Friends forgive each other.

We got a Camille Grammar-esque montage of Yolanda Foster swanning around her sun-drenched estate. She boasted that she drew and built every inch of this house, none of which is true. I feel like if we were to look at her day planner the entire morning would be devoted to picking just the perfect peonies and roses, trimming their leaves, and having one of the kitchen staff prepare a tray of coffee for the men folk in expensive t-shirts and fitted jeans tootling around with notes in the studio. No wonder she needed that massage and meditation in the afternoon. Yolanda is the ex of that lizard Muhammad and the wife of David Foster, 60-time (I don't care enough to fact check this) Grammy winner. "I am the most romantic person he's ever met," said Yolanda. We may well have found a man in David who's gotten more plastic surgery than all the Housewives put together.

Kathy Hilton, who I don't remember previously making such an extended appearance on the show, welcomed Kim and her lovely daughter Kimberly over to the prom dress shop she runs out of her house. It was all very charming and innocent on the surface. "What's a boutonniere?" asked Kimberly, to Kathy's horror. But Kim was just as confused. "I've got a boot. And I can hear." Just take it one day at a time, dear. Before Kim could really go down the rabbit hole with her own prom night memories—And one time! On a set that looked like band camp! He put his tongue in my mouth!—Kyle showed up. Kim wilted, murmuring worries about Kimberly's older, bigger boyfriend. "Just keep your eye on things and don't let them be alone," advised Kathy, who clearly used a firm hand in raising her own daughters.

There was a brief, uncomfortable scene of Lisa visiting Brandi at her modest home. And by modest I mean the paint along the door was chipped and the floor tiles uneven. It looked like your house, or mine, and Brandi seemed deeply embarrassed to welcome such an exotic bird into her ungilded cage. Lisa, those black slingbacks. Never again when any walking is involved.

The best scene of the night involved Portia, still authentically adorable, none of that wind-up, brat charm of the New Jersey girls, making invitation calls to her 4th birthday. "This is Paaaarscha!" she sing-songed to Taylor. "See ya Saturday!" Auntie Kim's phone went straight to voicemail and of course the mailbox was full. "Oh so, so annoying," sighed Portia, mimicking her mother. "Hello darling," she said, after ringing Lisa. Details were exchanged and, I think so as not to be a secret speaker phone eavesdropper, Brandi piped up with a tinny hello. Kyle invited her; Brandi copped to forcing the invite. I wish these two would just be friends already.

NEXT: Adrienne still makes her presence known at Lisa's party.

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