The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap: The Rose Gold Standard

On the season premiere, Lisa is so over Adrienne, Kim is one month sober, and we got our first taste of new Housewife Yolanda. (Tastes like sharp cheddar.)
Ep. 01 | Aired Nov 5, 2012

MEAN GIRLISH So Adrienne called Lisa a liar who sold out her friends? Friends forgive each other.

Never mistake where Bravo's allegiances lie. Lisa is rightfully the star of this show and the camera team loves her. The season opened with a shot of Lisa in the background, Giggy in the fore. And then another shot of Giggy on an ivory silk chaise for good measure. Somewhere I picture Jill Zarin lashing out at her dog Ginger like Barbara Hershey in the Black Swan. Brandi popped over to visit the new Vanderpump manor, which Lisa had already cheered for being on a Maloof-free block. Brandi went with a peachy romper that accentuated both her bikini tan line and the fact that she decided against underpants. Lisa gave Brandi a tour of the enviable kitchen, the classy assorted sitting rooms, a gauzy pink bedroom, and then we spilled onto this white, shiny oasis of porcelain and mirror and sunlight and air. Lisa's closet and bathroom was like stepping into the massage portion of a facial. Looking at it made me feel cleaner. It tasted good through the screen.

This seemed like the perfect atmosphere for Brandi to gift Lisa and the Man in Black with rubber sheets and a tequila gun. (I know Brandi is probably aligning herself with Lisa because she's the most powerful. And yet I like their dynamic. Brandi's flirtation with Ken is harmless and cute; Lisa gives Brandi a maternal cockeyed gaze of approval. Their trio has genuine affection.) At the sight of a tequila gun Ken shuffled off to the bar which gave Brandi and Lisa a moment to talk about the coming Villa Blanca anniversary party. Yes of course Lisa invited everyone. And everyone no longer includes Adrienne. And who can blame her after watching that clip from the Reunion show where a sneering Adrienne accused Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids?

Mauricio, we love you man. All we needed out of this scene was a shot of you in the green baseball cap. Keep it simple. Presenting Kyle with a Maserati wrapped in a giant red bow seemed unnecessary.

Adrienne got out of her car, planting that awful gold platform shoe on the ground like a weapon. She met Paul, who looked like a grape Bubbalicious potato, for an al fresco dinner. They are this season's less tragic, still ugly version of Taylor and Russell. We've read nasty, scary allegations about their relationship's demise. Every supposedly friendly scene between the two of them now seems fraudulent and depressing. So while Adrienne's eye-rolling to the waiter—"let's clock how long it takes Paul to order dinner"—might have once come off as amused bickering it now feels laced with hate. Leave it to Taylor to call with chirping news of how she has nothing to wear to the Villa Blanca party what with all the weight she's gained. Villa Blanca party?, the Maloofs sniffed. Adrienne's blood runs black but she's too cool to give Taylor the response the woman was clearly looking for. Instead, she sighed to Paul about Lisa not being a true friend. "What friends do is not hold a grudge and move on," she said. They let you smear them on TV without getting all pissy about it. Jeez, Lisa, relax already and be a friend.

NEXT: Kathy Hilton makes her presence known.

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