The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Team Squirrel

Brandi sobered up and the women relaxed over nachos, then a beloved chihuahua went missing.
Ep. 07 | Aired Dec 16, 2013

GENUINE EMOTION ALERT Brandi is kind of an asshole but it's a damn shame about her dog.

Bravo

You guys, let's totally talk behind this episode's back. Like sands through an hourglass, or through a cheap bottle of chardonnay, there seeps out further bonds of Lisa and Brandi's allegiance. The two shared a moment, one Brandi likely didn't remember until watching the tape, that is worthy of doctoral dissertations. It was the type of rare unscripted moment that makes these shows worth watching (okay, not really). But before we go there, somebody get Brandi another glass of wine because she's been wanting to call Kyle a crazy asshole for two seasons.

Lisshen, it's not that Brandi has a problem with Kyle it's just that if you come after Yo, you come after her. With that Yolanda proceeded to gaslight Kyle by talking very slowly and calmly through narrowed eyes. Kyle wanted some clarity on how she'd gone after anybody, and why in fact she was a crazy asshole, but Yolanda just glared harder at her while insisting "I'm a girl's girl." And Brandi wanted Kyle to know that of course they were friends now because "I could say a hundred f---ing thousand things that are horrible and I'm not doing that." Snatch that sentiment up, Hallmark! Then Lisa told Brandi to knock it off already, which did not sit well.

Kyle left the table to go sob in the bathroom and inexplicably ended up in Yolanda's arms. Don't cry shop girl, said Yo, don't cry. Out of the goodness of the Dutch woman's heart, she agreed to let Kyle try to earn her way back into her good graces. Enter Lisa, who slammed the door on Kimmy's tinkling, and arranged herself and Kyle in the most flattering light. Lisa knows, she knows, she said, enveloping Kyle in a suddenly warm embrace.Kyle is a mess because of everything going on right now, just everything, eyebrow waggle, tabloid rumors cough, everything. Kim emerged from the loo looking pissy about Lisa railroading her out of the scene and Lisa was so over Kim refusing to be condescended to this season. "Lisa don't leave," sobbed Kyle. "Um, yeah, you better leave," said Kim, giving the Brit an amusing little be-gone face. Bloody hell, Carlton can't stand all the drah-ma. Or spray tans that don't blend.

Suddenly it was 8:30 in Palm Springs, which meant skinny dipping hour for the Pantene girls. Joyce, honey, your arms. Maybe add some push-ups and edible stuffs to your health regimen. Brandi was trying to giggle her way into Carlton's pants but the good witch did a neat spin move off the bed to get out of her mantis reach. The two went galumphing around the grounds looking to surprise Yolanda and Lisa but then Yo jumped out of the bushes in a pink teddy and matching pink trainers. Lisa was of course swathed in a sexy 80s Spiegel catalogue nightgown. Lisa made a grab for Brandi's bottle which really bummed Brandi out. "I don't want you to strategize anymore," slurred Brandi.

Well that shut Lisa up, which I don't think we've ever seen before. Yolanda winced, unsure what was going to next tumble out of Brandi's mouth. I love my VanderRump but it was a weirdly damning moment.

NEXT: Cameron is so fired.


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