The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Urinal Town

Slow episode: A bee gets killed, a Housewife faints, and Yolanda inches forward in her recovery
Ep. 02 | Aired Nov 11, 2013

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH Prove yourself worthy, David Foster.


The woman popped up for a dinner, but Bravo made sure she was limited to less than five words. Her lawyer is her boyfriend. The end.

Brandi moved into her new house, or at least she moved in a bottle of rose and a leather-bound book of Brandi verse. Oh God, please tell us her next book deal won't be for poetry. She kept telling us her Mom was awesome, and I'm sure she is, but the woman was kind of a downer. The stove was too small and would her daughter ever get a real dining room table? How about some wine, Ma? She looked at the Chaos label and shrugged. "Chaos, kind of sounds like your life." Apparently, Brandi's Dad isn't feeling too lovey dovey lately either. He's still smarting over Brandi's lack of an Oscar dress. Hope he didn't watch WWHL last night. Nip slip on the After Show!

First trip to Carlton's house, which was a really cozy mix of crosses and pentagrams. Just want to snuggle up with a good book under one of those heavy wrought iron chandeliers. Sadly, I couldn't tell if the woman, while helping her daughter with math homework, was joking when she asked the girl what grade she was in again. It's a Mysteri! After homework  it was time for Carlton's sports manager husband, who she met in a club brawl, duh, to put the kids through their workout. Some sprints, some trampoline work, finish with a Gatorade cut with dove's blood.

Later Carlton and Joyce were summoned to Kyle's house for an allegiance try-out. Things got off to a rocky start when Carlton was trying to describe the trauma of a black cat eating a bird in her house and Kyle was all Anyhoo, how about some wine? Carlton's eyes did that crazy thing her kids know to back away from immediately. To make matters worse Kyle then made her friend kill a bee, an unforgivable act in Carlton's eyes. Joyce was oblivious to any tension and proceeded to tell the group how she met her husband. It was a blind date and [insert 10,000 words here, Asia de Cuba, mercy makeup] and now she's living happily ever after, snort snort. Across town Lisa gathered her blondes and they had a big laugh about Kyle and how she has no friends anymore.

Kim wisely chose to sit out both lunches, focusing instead on wittle Kingsley. It was time to get this pup trained once and for all, or at least after she finished nattering on to her daughter while the dog trainer waited at the front door. Before the lesson began in earnest Kingsley wanted to have a quick snack of trainer forearm. Then Kim and her son brought the dog outside and it looked like they were trying to lambada with the animal rather than get him to sit. Just please tell me this whole Kim's-rehab-mirroring-the-pit-bull's-training storyline isn't going to end with her giving up the dog. Because that I cannot abide.

Well pit bulls, was Taylor a sight for sore eyes? Did Lisa fake faint? Is a cleanse/fast ever a good prescription for post-op or teenage girls? Talk to me. If F- you, F- this, F-that, F- him, F- off the logical title for Brandi's next book?

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