'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Let's Get This Party Started

What Kennedy really wanted for her birthday was an invitation to Portia's party. Taylor, in her least flattering moment yet, threw her four-year-old the prettiest, least fun party ever. Meanwhile, there was a French fry station and hugs and ducklings over at Kyle's house. Poor Kennedy was stuck with cascading tea-kettle roses and scones and a tipsy mother overly invested in her photo shoot and a dick-wad father with no social skills let alone respect for her mother. Hold that puppy close, child!

Yes, Taylor blew $60,000 on a birthday party that failed to make one single child laugh or jump or twirl around and fall on the grass. But everybody went home with their own special Barbie Rocks diamond necklace. Whatever happened to party favors of monster finger puppets and stickers? Kennedy really did look miserable from start to finish, though never more so than when that teen band was singing her her special birthday anthem. "You're beautiful, just like your Mom!" the girl sang, as Kennedy's face contorted into tears. Over at Kyle's, there was a train and a moon bounce and macaroni and cheese and two baby pigs.

It was almost cruel how Bravo juxtaposed the two mothers all episode. Kyle makes peanut butter sandwiches by herself! She cares about the animals and wants them in the shade! No drunken rich women on Portia's big day! I imagine somewhere in Beverly Hills, Taylor is still wearing that ridiculous party hat, clutching Kennedy's white dog to her chest, whimpering into his scented fur and wondering when everything in her life went so desperately wrong.

Am I nuts or is Lisa the voice of reason on this show? She is probably the richest of the women (second only to Madamaloof), and should by all counts be ridiculous, what with her silly dog and her insouciant husband and her Falcon Crest vibe. And yet often I catch myself finding her sensible and shrewd. And the whole relationship with her son struck me as deeply intimate and sincere. Yes, there's the cliche of wealthy parents shipping off their ne'er do well son to boarding school but her anxiety over him seemed authentic and un-hysterical. "I kissed him goodbye and a week later I got shingles," she said. When her son surprised her at her birthday lunch, I surprised myself a little by tearing up at her watery-eyed delight. Max seemed like a good kid, in what little we saw, and good luck to him at music school. Remember, zero tolerance!

Camille went to her spiritual refuge in Hawaii, and not a moment too soon. There was so much work for her to tell her assistant to do before they even left. "Packing, calling the house manager and.... that's it," she said. Phfew! How does she do it? She has four nannies to manage. And 27 houses. And all those bowls of fruit on the kitchen counter to admire. And lest you forget, Kelsey Grammer would be in a gutter were it not for her, or at least passed out cold in his private master suite.

Camille calculated that she has 30% more on her plate than all of the other Housewives. At the very least she owns 30% more hot tubs than them and those suckers do not heat themselves. Speaking of hot tubs, her creepy friend Carl and that nice lady Deirdre had to pay for Camille and Kelsey's history of favors by telling the woman that she's so amazing and so beautiful and so hot and so generous. (Secretly, they talk of pushing her out on her paddle board to sea, waving bon voyage to her Jesus complex once and for all.)

What did you Hillbillies think? Is Russell the least likable husband of the whole entire franchise? How drunk was Taylor when she gave that lame toast? Anybody else wish they could've gone to Portia's party? How bummed is Kim that all she brings to this show is staring quizzically at her new stove?
DO YOU AUDIBLY GASP WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE AT A COCKTAIL PARTY WHO CLAIMS NOT TO OWN A TELEVISION? (WE'RE GASPING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.) Then don't miss this week's TV Insiders podcast! Annie Barrett, Dalton Ross, Michael Ausiello, Michael Slezak, and Clark Collis talk about their favorite Halloween episodes, plus the creepy new series Dead Set and The Walking Dead. Plus, our EW couch potatoes dish the latest happenings on Survivor and Dancing With the Stars. Click here to download the TV Insiders podcast to your MP3 player, or listen to an embedded version below!