The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Dog Gone Tears

Brandi and Kim have emotional doggie moments, while Yolanda (gasp!) doesn't scribble hearts on all the ladies' place cards at her dinner party
Ep. 08 | Aired Dec 23, 2013

HEARTBREAKER You never know. Yolanda could have just drawn some of the ladies' hearts in lemon juice.

Bravo

Why did Bravo air a new episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night? Good question. Why is Yolanda addicted to flowers? Why does everyone on this show insist on greeting each other with a double kiss? What did Bravo owe David Foster to dedicate the final act of this episode to The Tenors? Why was Carlton ever cast at all? Sometimes there are no answers, folks!

Here's another question you may be asking: Where is my favorite recapper, Karen Valby? Unfortunately, she's traveling for the holidays, so you're stuck with me this week. And in case you weren't disappointed enough by that fact,  you'll have to live with a shortened recap. But cut me some slack and go eat a cookie -- It's Christmas Eve!

There was exactly one scene that made me feel something on last night's episode of Beverly Hills, which has been even more vapid and glaringly contrived than usual this season: when Kim had to send her dog, Kingsley, off to doggie rehab to learn how to play with the other pooches. Sweet, kooky Kim broke down as her tough-love dog trainer stowed Kingsley's kennel in his SUV. "That dog has held me," Kim said meekly in her confessional. That dog had heard all of her bedtime secrets during her recovery. Kim's son consoled his mom, and her daughter teared up alongside her. Mind you, I am not an animal person, but the scene made me a little bit misty-eyed -- and not just because of Kingsley's humbled disposition, but because of Kim's display of genuine humanity. A rare thing on this show!

Eh, I guess it was pretty nice that Brandi enlisted the women to help her post flyers for her missing dog, Chica, though their efforts were all for naught. Some old woman tore down all the flyers, claiming they were an eyesore in her neighborhood. (Really, lady?) Brandi felt sad for her kids, and she assumed Chica had been eaten by coyotes.

Oh yeah -- and Carlton likes sex toys almost as much as she likes spray tan. Moving on...

The bulk of the episode revolved around Yolanda's admittedly fabulous-looking dinner party. She'd trimmed orchids, and arranged micro-greens, and set the dinner table with the finest glassware. Or at least she'd paid people to do all that. In terms of Housewives events, the meal went off without a hitch. Sure, the women fondled each other's breasts and feigned offense that only Brandi and Lisa had hearts beside the names on their place cards (possibly an even lamer non-story than Joyce's debate about whether Lisa had flipped or tossed her hair in Palm Springs), but it was a pretty lovely night.

At least, it was nice when Joyce and Brandi weren't interacting. Every moment the Puerto Rican beauty queen opened her mouth, Brandi rolled her eyes and spit out a dig while trying not to spill her latest glass of wine. Lisa laughed along with Brandi's antics, even as she tried to watch how much her acid-mouth friend imbibed. Joyce later lamented to her husband baby, "It's so ugly when a pretty girl is wasted out of her mind."

The rest of the episode was a weird commercial for one of those Il Volo type singing groups that secretly sell millions of albums at Barnes & Noble by singing opera covers in natty suits. The Tenors sang beautifully, reaching straight into Kim's soul. And that was pretty much it!

Have a Merry Christmas -- we'll see you back next week!

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