The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Fifty Shades of Twitter

Kenya and Nene break through new boundaries in their Tour of Terror, Kandi and Cynthia shakily address their tormentors and Phaedra whispers the Atlanta Rosary
Ep. 24 | Aired Apr 27, 2014

Wilford Harewood/Bravo

Feeling misunderstood, Kenya begins loosely quoting The Color Purple (perhaps Kandi's best observation of the season) talking about her childhood in Detroit — “All my life I had to FIGHT!” — and then announces to the group of women who are all refusing to look at her that before last year's Reunion, Nene called her about "getting Phaedra," and she doesn’t understand how now she’s all buddy-buddy with her. Andy helpfully rolls the package of Nene and Phaedra tentatively becoming more cordial over the course of this season, leading to a replay of Nene’s gossip that everyone called Phaedra the “Head Doctor” in high school, even though she's also said she can’t remember going to high school with her in Athens.

Phaedra counters that she was a smarty in high school (not really a prerequisite for oral sex, or lack thereof, but OK) and didn’t hang around with people Nene would have even known, so that "rumor" is unfounded. Nene apologizes (just as, 4,000 miles below us, hell freezes over), saying that she’s already told Phaedra that it was wrong of her to spread something that she heard as an adult and  that was probably untrue. Kenya pushes her instigator spectacles up her nose, sticks her hand in the air and chimes in, “That’s not necessarily true because the Head Doctor comment is in court documents.” WHAT IS HAPPENING? Kenya is relentless and I think any Head Doctor, Dick Surgeon or Penis Physician would conclusively diagnose her as “the worst.” I just wish other women wouldn’t get on her level, like Phaedra repeatedly using Kenya not being able to “get a man” as an insult and especially calling her “barren.” Not OK. Why can't they just remember that best thing about Kenya is that she does all the work on her own…no one has to do anything extra to make her look bad!

GIRD YOUR LOINS Mama Joyce terrifies me to my core. I would go head-to-head with a shark, have lunch with Sarah Palin, and stay a night in the Amityville Horror house all in one day before I would look Mama Joyce directly in the eyes. That woman should be studied in advance level Psychology courses; she should be cloned to run tests that prevent her natural evolution; and she should probably be given a good talking to and maybe a few months at a “spa.” I think I became somewhat dulled to her particularly jarring form of maternal instincts in the last few episodes where she seemed a combination of sedated and slightly more reasonable, but tonight she was back in full ass-dragging form, and no mountain was high enough, no desert hot enough to keep her off our asses, baby.

After an extended package showcasing all of Mama Joyce’s craziest moments from the last season, the Mama herself joins the cast onstage. She is…in an altered state of mind. When Andy asks her how the public has responded to her behavior on the show, she proves that every parent of any person between the ages of 20 and 40 is exactly the same saying, “the people on Twitter and the people on Facebooks” didn’t react negatively until Kandi said she tried to set Todd up to be caught in pictures with other women. Andy’s all, “So, you think people were cool with the time you tried to kill Carmon with your shoe in that dress shop and, oh yeah, what about that time you threatened Todd’s ass with a Marvin Gaye song?” She keeps screaming that people were “RETWEETING that comment,” because they LOVED it. Twitter just might have ruined Kandi Burruss’ life.

NEXT: If you think I'm touching that welfare comment with a 10-foot pole, you're crazy...

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