I feel like I just ran a damn marathon. Truthfully, I have no idea what that would feel like – in this current winter shape (oh, is it May?), I can make it up about four flights of stairs before having to decide if heavy nose-breathing or heavy mouth-breathing will make me seem less winded when encountering another human. But after this TWO HOUR episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I think I could safely enter one of those triathlons where they paint the numbers on your forehead, no training necessary. The mental endurance it took to simply keep straight who was accusing who of what character flaw as a result of how many fights from which season was surely at least enough to earn us all a "13.1" sticker on the back of ours cars (... or bike…OK, metro card).
The recap comments from last week’s Reunion Part Two brought a number of things to light. First, we can all agree, you either can’t stand Nene, Kenya, or both. It seems the producers caught wind of this, and in the Reunion Part Three, they’re giving us the worst Queen of the Hill scenario you could possible hope for: on one side of the mound of discarded RHOA peripheral characters (keep those elbows tucked in tight, Mynique) is Nene, armed with her higher salary and the sheer will to never hear anything anyone else in the world says to her; and on the other side is Kenya, all of her props confiscated by that stickler Andy Cohen, polishing up her razor-sharp tongue and quickly sifting through her
donkey booty full of lies.
Your helpful comments also pointed out that I missed a very important in-between-commercials segment with my favorite three-year-old man-baby, Ayden, last week. And thank goodness and YOU for that because that scene was extra helpful when my roommate wandered through the room during a particularly unintelligible Nene/Kenya argument and asked, “Just tell me this…is anybody here decent at all?” I was able to point out the more than morally sound toddler in the cast, Ayden, and his silent business partner, Mr. President. (I also showed a few Kandi scenes, but not the one where she readily offered to, ahem, drag Mal up in this bitch.)
Yes, the chosen women of Atlanta were at their RHOA-worst tonight. Well, that’s not entirely true. Kenya is at her worst at all times, which she considers to be her best; Nene emerged from hibernating in her pink cocoon to completely lose her mind all over the Velvet Couches of Highest Prestige; Phaedra threw the sharpest of her somewhat morally compromising shade; Kandi is deserving of sainthood (OK, maybe she’s just your average sex toy mogul, but in this crowd, some generic positivity can really take you to the next level); and it’s possible Cynthia took a rhino tranquilizer dart to the neck halfway through the episode and no one happened to notice.
The episode starts off rehashing the Nene/Marlo/Kenya drama. One Bravo commenter hilariously inquires of Nene regarding the Bailey Bowl: “[Marlo] was your 'BRIDEMAID,' how come she wasn’t on your team?” It’s the same old, same old: Nene says she was an EGG-cellent friend to Marlo, Kenya goes to her Phone of Limitless Storage Space to refer to a text proving otherwise, and when that doesn’t work, proclaims Nene is a dictator over her friends. You can practically see the steam rising out of her scalp as she tries to figure out how to spin it into a dick joke. Andy directly asks Kenya if she only became friends with Marlo to get under Nene’s skin. Kenya says no and suddenly her pants are on fire and she’s accusing Nene of having fake gums and the *character flaw* of wanting to control everyone. Nene says all she ever did was try to help Marlo, which makes me wonder, why do all of Nene’s “friends” need so much help? Sure, my gal pals need the occasional, “Yes, that top is just too far on the middle-aged-5th-grade-teacher side of hipster,” or “Tinder is absolutely viable dating option,” but other than that they're pretty self-reliant.
NEXT: Some pretty specific theories about the (Urban) Legend of Nene Leakes...