Bring out the boys All of the men are in really nice suits, and Apollo is in a graphic tee with a blazer over it. He looks like what a WWE wrestler would wear if he broke his arm and had to sit on the sidelines for a match. They play a reel of Peter getting into everybody’s business and Cynthia wakes up long enough to say she lets him get into their business because he’s going to have an opinion no matter what. Peter seconds that he doesn’t care if they don’t like him giving his opinion: “When they say that…here’s my peach,” and bites into a very unripe-sounding peach he's brought with him. Again with these damn props! I briefly imagine a Remember the Titans scenario where everyone to Andy Cohen’s left starts screaming, “LEFT SIDE,” and everyone to his right starts screaming, “PROP SIDE,” and then they all get into a jumping huddle and it’s enough to make them forget about their differences and move on.
Instead, Peter reveals that he has four baby mamas and five kids and he doesn’t call any of them bitches. Attention Planet Earth: Peter Thomas has procreated and before you procreate yourself, you might want to make sure it is not with any of his offspring. You really don’t want a Rosemary’s Baby situation on your hands here. Looking on the bright side, Peter talking about Nene calling him a bitch brings about my only laugh-out-loud moment of the night, when Gregg says “misconsCRUed,” and then doesn’t correct himself. He thinks Nene saying Peter was acting like a bitch was misconscrued and it’s “a waste of valuable brain cells” for them to keep talking about it. I appreciate him looking out for Apollo’s limited supply like that, but we all got comfortable with getting dumber from our commitment to RHOA a long time ago.
The Beginning is the End of the Beginning of the End It’s time to address Pillow Talk one last time. The only thing of consequence, other than having to look at Nene’s atrocious patchwork quilt negligée from that night again, is Kenya claiming that when she arrived late to Pillow Talk, as they were mic-ing her up she could hear Nene screaming, “F-ck the producers! I know why y’all are trying to make Kenya late, you’re trying to make her the star of the show!” Yeah, OK, Kenya…you could make me believe Nene was yelling any number of things that night, including, “I’ve got to go to the bathroom to geek up, I mean, wash my hands,” but her not sarcastically admitting you’re the star of the show is not one of them.
Apollo says that he and Brandon talked for two hours the day after he beat him up on a bean bag chair and he apologized because neither of them should have been put in that position. He also says, “There’s a lot of young men and young women who look up to me, and that’s nor how I should have acted.” ATTENTIN ALL YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN WHO LOOK UP TO APOLLO, may I suggest some better, more noble mentor options: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, that guy pretending he’s Prince Harry in I Wanna Marry Harry, Baby North West, your cousin that offered you weed at Christmas, E.L. James…just please do not look up to Apollo. Kenya says Apollo didn’t apologize to Brandon and instead repeats a conversation they had that sounded a lot like the plot of The Firm, with Brandon playing the Tom Cruise role.
Just to bring Nene’s villain arc to its highest peak, Andy tells Nene the gay community was “livid” at her continually calling Brandon a “queen,” and she says various combinations of “Really?” “You thought that?” “OK,” until she finally scoffs out an apology that goes like this: “If I offended you or anybody else in the gay community then I apologize for that” – her tongue on the verge of falling out, she adds a crazy witch laugh – “since I never apologize” – punctuated with another maniacal laugh. When Andy doesn’t seem altogether convinced she innocently asks, “Do I need to pull down your pants and kiss your ass? Should I hold a gay FUNK-shun?” What a delightful side of herself Nene has shown at this Reunion! I offer you this exchange without commentary, and only ask that you discuss in the comments if you care to hear any more of this genius word play from either of these ladies next season:
Nene: “Miss Ratchet Honey USA.”
Kenya: “Miss Donald Trump Hair USA.”
Nene: “Miss Funk Box.”
The night should have ended with Gregg complaining that he bought a new suit for this, but it doesn’t – we’re treated to 30 minutes of one-on-one time with Porsha , but unlike The Bachelorette, there’s no fake snow or helicopters or anything cool for our date. Although there is a lot of roundabout apologizing, ditziness, and clips of a terrible music video so, actually, it is kind of like The Bachelorette. Wait…Porsha the Bachelorette is far too viable an idea. Stop me before Bravo gets ahold of this!
I think we can all agree that 26 hours of RHOA was enough for one season, but I'll miss the madness. And, of course, I'll miss you guys the most. Thank you for following the mayhem with me – you made it fun. Hey, remember Textgate 2012 - 2014? Remember the series of episodes where it really seemed like there might be a Mama Joyce homicide? Remember ARTHUR? Oh, what a time to be alive! Porsha has a single that you can legally buy on iTunes and our summer is freed up to watch any number of other reality shows about women who may or may not be married and may or may not know each other. Might I suggest the British one that doesn’t have the word “housewives” in it? Two parting thoughts: Always remember to read others the way you would want to be read, and when in doubt, What Would Ayden Do?