Apparently everyone sobs straight through from morning to evening because after a brief Porsha meltdown, they all transition from pajamas to pushing their boobs up in Lycra dresses and blowing mirror kisses in a matter of seconds. Kenya’s dog, Velvet, has apparently not been feeling well, so Kenya has flown her into Savannah. Because the best thing to do for a dog when it's having diarrhea is pack it into a tiny box and then send it up 30,000 feet in the air.
Staying the logical and selfless route, Kenya decides it’s time to march into Phaedra’s basement oasis and make her talk about the thing they haven’t stopped talking about for the last nine weeks: Sextgate 2013. Phaedra says just about everything she can to not talk about it, barring, “You literally could not mean less to my life. They pay me to talk to you. I have JOBS.” She then sticks a breast pump down her dress and the soothing sounds of motherhood [Mom: What’s that noise? Is that a train?] hypnotize Kenya into thinking she’s accomplished something.
A couple of Ciroc shots later, the women then all head out to a Savannah drag show with the thinnest drag queen I’ve ever seen. Nene promptly gets hammered [Mom: It sounds like an auction, are they at an auction? Me: Yes mom, it’s an auction]. She gets the drag queen to call Mynique out for not being black enough or something and I just wish someone would leave the mixed race thing alone and call her out on spelling her name wrong. I mean, I’m not pronouncing a “y” as an “o.” I've compromised on a lot of my principles for this show, but "general vowel sounds" will not be one of them. After the drag show, everyone comes back to have a homemade supper prepared by Phaedra and Kandi. Kandi says, “When you want to have a big lavish dinner, you’ve got to put a lot of time and love into it.” [Mom: I know that’s right!] Apparently, Kandi has started working on producing a musical which she wants all of the ladies to be a part of. I’m assuming she doesn’t remember the Sheree Incident of 2011…
Two things of note happen at the dinner table: 1. After some encouragement from Nene to take charge of her divorce if she needs it to slow down, Porsha texts Kordell and tells everyone she’s too nervous to reply back to him asking her what she wants to talk about. A couple of hot potato tosses later and Kandi has replied for her: “Us.” I only disagree with the women telling Porsha to be honest and vulnerable with herself. Porsha does not make sound decisions. Porsha should not follow her heart. It will lead her to Kordell, who once divorced her on Twitter.
2. Everyone freaks out because there’s a flying cockroach in the dining room. Kenya tries to kill it with a spray can of PAM but Porsha ultimately administers the slowest form of paper-towel-torture I’ve ever seen. Both of these events – the delicate issue of divorce and the cockroach killing - are given equal precedence and ellicit equally high-pitched squeals. The fact that, for this one dinner at least, a Housewives meal is actually used to catch up and have fun, rather than “address issues,” is so, so appreciated during this holiday season.
- Phaedra to Kandi on successfully cooking dinner together: “I think we might have did a little something chile for the quick, quick.” Come again?
- Porsha in defense of Cynthia’s tears: “Nobody wants to think of their daughter twerking in the mall.”