The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Going Study

Phaedra competes for Most Likely To Succeed at mortician school, while Mama Joyce competes for Most Likely to Murder Someone in every situation ever
Ep. 05 | Aired Dec 1, 2013

HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES Kandi contemplates whether Mama Joyce might be the reason her water tastes so poison-y.

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Kandi’s personal chef is busy preparing a huge coming-home meal for Todd; perhaps the stale cupcakes and congealed orange juice just weren’t going to be enough. I’ve got nine questions and these are them: I’m sorry, Kandi has a precious bulldog? And his/her name is Georgia? How long has she had this bulldog? Did I miss him before? Is she a UGA Bulldogs fan? Is there a whole other bulldog in Kandi’s other house? Does she pass out bulldogs to her loved ones like she does houses? How do I become one of Kandi’s loved ones? Why is the whole show not just about Georgia, Ayden and Mr. President?

Todd is so cute and well-mannered, I sure hope he’s the real deal. I wouldn’t even mind him making a guest appearance on The Real Tikes of Atlanta: Georgia, Ayden and Mr. President. Apparently he’s been off filming with his “BET family,” so Kandi sits him down to catch up in the living room, which looks like what would happen if the Victoria's Secret “Pink” line sponsored an adults-only lounge at the American Girl store (yep, just like that). Once they move to dinner, Kandi decides to let Todd know the world of pain that’s coming his way via Mama Joyce. He listens innocently, even saying, “I’m with Mama on that one,” until she casually unloads that her mom thinks he’s an opportunist, following up with, “Would you like some of this dressing?” Why are people always ruining perfectly good meals with awful conversations on this show? You should always bring up conflict while you’re doing something that’s already terrible, like flossing or handling pet food.

She brings up the ring thing again – what exactly is wrong with this ring? Is it not real? Or is it just not part of Neil Lane’s reality-TV-star-line? Todd is frustrated, but worse, he looks hurt. He thought he was coming back to his fiancée, but he’s actually coming back to his fiancée’s Tasmanian mother of destruction. Bullsh*t alert: “My mother is too old to change her ways.” Thank you, Todd, for pointing out that Kandi keeps laughing off this situation. I get that she’s a nervous laugher and I appreciate her positive attitude, but girl’s gon’have to start taking this seriously soon enough (probably when Mama Joyce comes over to talk during the dinner that Todd forced Kandi to set up to straighten things out).

In other arranged meetings news, Cynthia has decided to have Noelle’s new boyfriend and his mom over, and even though Arthur is an actual boy’s name, it just sounds like Cynthia is mispronouncing “author” every time she says it. The counter is littered with, like, 19 bags of Tostitos, Noelle is wearing a junior prom dress, while Cynthia is wearing a silk shirt-she’s-pretending-is-a-dress and Birkenstocks. What the hell is going on here?

NEXT: May I call you Mr. Jackass?

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