Right before the curtain goes up, Porsha tells us, "Some stars are born, but I was made for this." Because no one insults Porsha quite like she insults herself. The show has lots of jewel tones and pleather leggings and the music sounds good. Watching a play on TV is never a natural affair, but for a first try, it seems pretty fun. Porsha gets a solo and, boy, does she try hard. And she looks pretty. You can certainly say that she tried and looked pretty.
There are a lot of meaningful shots to the audience: Riley (taller than her mom now!) and Kandi’s dad look proud, the other Housewives look impressed, Todd’s mom has a number of facial impressions that I enjoy but cannot read at all, and Mama Joyce looks like she’s about to poop in her pants, or possibly already has. Nonetheless, after curtain call, she calmly tells Kandi that she loved the play and understands that it wasn’t an attack on her. At this point, it’s Kandi's decision; they’ll just agree to disagree. Kandi says that’s all she can ask for, and I never thought I’d say this about one of these shows, but I think these women could stand to ask more of other people.
The play ends, and everyone gathers to close out a very, very long season. Well, everyone except Nene, who has had to miss most of this episode because her lung collapsed (we now know that she’s OK). This is how the RHOA producers send their spawn into the Great Off-Season Beyond:
- "Phaedra plans to open a crematorium in Athens, GA. Out of her many 'jobsssss,' representing Apollo in his fraud case will not be one of them." Shaaaaaade. Also, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Will representing herself in her divorce be one of her jobsssss?
- "Porsha received no alimony in her divorce. Rumor has it she’s dating an African tycoon. Not to be confused with Kenya’s!”
By "dating," does she mean giving an "African tycoon" money because his father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan and he just needs her bank account information to help transfer his fortune to the U.S.?
- "Bar One is still in limbo. Peter is talking to investors about buying the property. Cynthia isn’t one of them."
There is plenty to not like about the RHOA producers, but I will always appreciate how, above all else, they don't blink an eye at shaming these women’s shameful husbands.
- "Kenya and her African “prince” are planning to undergo in vitro fertilization in June…unless she gets inseminated the old-fashioned way first."
3. I had to watch Kenya go to a sperm bank and now I find this out???
- "Nene is recovered and back onstage Dancing with the Stars. She has no plans to throw a couples night soiree for her Dancing with the Stars castmates.”
I like how that first sentence’s phrasing makes it seem like she’s not one of the "Stars," but does get to dance with them.
- "A Mother’s Love sold out 5 Atlanta performances. Kandi and Todd are in pre-production on their next big project…an April wedding!"
That they didn’t list the wedding's air time and date is a level of restraint I didn’t know anyone at Bravo had.
And just real quick: THAT REUNION, WHAT IS HAPPENING, OH MY GOSH. I had heard rumors that Porsha started a brawl on The Blogs, but I just thought it would be something silly. There was nothing silly about that quick glimpse of hair dragging. What do you think will happen on next week’s reunion and can you believe that this season is technically still going?