The Real Housewives of Atlanta season finale recap: Finally, Finale

Kandi's play finally opens to a full house; Kenya deals in less happy fare as she buries Velvet with Cynthia by her side.
Ep. 22 | Aired Apr 13, 2014

There is a scene with Cynthia and Peter that may contain adult language, partial nudity, and themes not suitable for human people. I really don’t want to talk about it, but feel a professional duty to inform you that it is horrifying -- and again, extremely confusing as to what  the editors want us to think about Cynthia. She is trying to put together a romantic surprise for Peter because he’s always giving her fun surprises (Surprise -- foreclosure! Surprise -- I only value you for sex and I don’t care about your health!). The only good thing is this gives us another chance to see what Cynthia thinks is an appropriate snack spread for an event. (You may remember the 17 bags of Tostitos when she had Arthur and his mother over.) This time, it’s strawberries on a plate with a pile of cheese cubes in the middle, un-iced oysters, a smattering of individually wrapped Ghirardelli squares, and champagne glasses full of cranberry cocktail.

Even that little feast of gems is not enough to remove the brain scarring brought on by Cynthia trying to sexily sit "like Sharon Stone" (Cynthia is sexy; I’m just not sure a vagina flash while being interrogated is the best romantic reference point), and her husband coming in and promptly making fun of her Spanx. She has to coerce him upstairs with all of her best trick,s including waving strawberries around while saying "good and juicy and wet." It is implied that they will be doing the nasty, and if anyone had been watching me watch this scene, they would have assumed I was being forced to watch a snuff film at gun point.

Finally, the opening day of A Mother’s Love is upon us. It’s especially fun to see Kandi, a woman who is already highly successful and established, so giddy about her new project. Todd is going from crew member to crew member asking, "And how does this work?" while wearing his Gucci Backpack of Power and Curiosity. A few hours before the show, the stage director, lark, tracks down Porsha. Porsha pronounces her name "Lark," so I guess that is a lower-case "L" and not a capital "i". I am both confused and impressed.

lark tells Porsha, "If you mess up the songs, you just do what you’ve got to do to make you look right…because otherwise you’re going to look wrong. And we don’t want you to look wrong.” It's something even a 5-year-old could understand as “Don’t f--- this up,” but Porsha manages to construe it as an apology for lark not trusting her. lark, next time, might I suggest some helpful explanatory pictures?

Cynthia and Phaedra arrive with their husbands in tow, and Phaedra makes me wish she hadn’t totally disappeared in the middle of this season: "I would never taser anyone’s parents!" Of course not. There are also a few big names in attendance, including Tyler Perry, whom Kandi lists as her hero. Perhaps her next musical will be about her relationship with him. This one is about her main maternal antagonist, Mama Joyce, and Kandi is feeling nervous for her mother to see a play that's basically about how crazy she is.

But as MJ wishes her luck, she’s still sporting her new monk-like serenity, probably achieved through a strict regimen of medicine and waking up and watching that clip from the time she almost beat Carmon with a shoe in a bridal salon every day. That might make even Mama Joyce realize that she needs to change her ways.

NEXT: Yada, yada, yada, let's get to that reunion...


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