Bravo knew they had big competition on Sunday night with America’s favorite show, Game of Thrones, returning, so they pulled out the big guns and made this episode all about everyone’s favorite RHOA characters: Porsha, Kenya, Nene and Mama Joyce. Oh wait, no I got confused—all of those people are terrible, mean-spirited and potentially sociopathic. While they scoff at $100K paychecks and don’t bother to look at work e-mail attachments, we devote an hour of our lives to them every week. OK, that probably makes us the sociopaths, because I really don’t know whether my devotion to this show -- even through dud episodes -- is right or wrong. But, I guess, if getting the chance to internally mock Nene for talking about her “raw, natural acting talent” is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
If I wasn’t soulless and incapable of human emotion, I would probably exclude Kenya from that original list because she’s actually going through a pretty tough time. Her beloved dog Velvet just died (no dramatic footage available, but plenty of past footage of Velvet being a cute little Wookiee), and she is not taking it, uh…calmly. So, let’s make plenty of room on our Capacity for Crazy People Sympathy commemorative plates by first watching Porsha and Nene try to use their own special “skills” to move forward in their “careers.”
Porsha opens the episode recording backing tracks for her debut acting role in Kandi’s play. Well, that’s what she would be doing if this was any other show about unmarried, working housewives. No, Porsha is actually recording a song she wrote with her producer called, I kid you not, “Perfectly Worthless,” presumably for her self-titled album (ba dum tsss). She says getting the role in Kandi’s play has “inspired [her] to take advantage of the skills that [she] has.” This whole segment reads like a compilation of scathingly sarcastic joke tweets, but it’s 100% genuine Por-yonce. If you're wondering, she sings exactly like she talks: loudly and with 3-syllable-Ts.
Kandi swings by for a friendly Ay girl, you got to come to rehearsal because that’s how plays and being an adult works chat, and Porsha looks at her like she has two heads coming out of her quilted hoodie. The stage manager of her show has let Kandi know that Porsha is missing practice and doesn’t seem dedicated. Porsha rings up her asSIST(ER)ant (yeah, it’s a pun, but more importantly, it sounds like you have a very specific speech impediment when you say it out loud) to tell Kandi that the only reason Porsha missed rehearsal is because they didn’t see the attachment her team sent over with the schedule. Oh, in that case…Kandi tells her to get her sh-t together and get to rehearsal because Kandi is a hustler who will not be hustled.
Nene stomps into a restaurant and tells the hostess, “I’m meeting this little short man,” and I just know she’s meeting Peter for more Bitch Talk Radio, but am pleasantly surprised to find that it’s her poor, patient manager, Steve. He is small, and he doesn’t deserve this. He’s brought sketches for Nene's approval because like She by Sheree (ha!) and Sonja’s toaster oven (ha HA! before her, Nene is striking out into the lucrative Home Shopping Network biz with her own fashion line. Soon enough (or maybe even currently…I’m not willing to have “Nene Leakes fashion line" in my Google history), Nene will complete the Holy Housewives Trifecta: Bravo, DWTS, HSN.
It seems that Steve is concerned with all the scripts that Nene has been rejecting, including a John Stamos show on USA and a Jon Lovitz and Bill Bellamy vehicle on Fox, which if nothing else, are great alt-punk band names. Nene hasn’t even been reading the scripts, because she didn’t think they were a good fit for her -- she wants to elevate here career, not keep it in the same place. Girl. You have one speed, and it is being tall and yelling. Stay in your lane! She also tells Steve she can’t commit to going to acting class every week because she doesn't have time and, “Some acting classes can take away your natural ability to act…I feel like directors are looking for that natural rawness.” I still enjoy Nene as a TV character and Martha Washington impersonator, but I’m learning more and more every week that she deserves to fail. Hard.
NEXT: Is this one of The Blogs the housewives are always reading? (Hi Kandi! Hi Cynthia!)