The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Friends Don't Call Friends B*tches

There's a lot of cursing -- a lot of cursing -- as Nene and Cynthia try to sort out their couples friendship, and Porsha tries to sort out what it means to actually work once you finally get a job.
Ep. 20 | Aired Mar 30, 2014

WHAT'S IN A NAME? I'm not saying that Nene is the worst human being to ever wear a bedazzled knit skull cap, I'm just saying she acts like the worst human being to ever wear a bedazzled knit skull cap.

Bravo

There’s a very sweet little scene where Kandi goes back to her old high school to present two students with the opportunity to be a part of her play. The pretty hunky principal has a surprise for her first, though: Her old drama teacher who used to take her to auditions and encouraged her to use her talents outside of school is there to see her with a hug and, “You know you’ll always be my baby.” Kandi immediately bursts into tears (as did I and as did you if you have any decency at all) and gives her all the non-laughing emotional gratitude she can muster.

Of course, all that genuine sweetness must be undone by a Kenya/Marlo scene. And if you were just expecting their average weird British accent, saying “honey” every other word, trashing all over Nene tomfoolery, you would be mistaken. No, this get together involved an animatronic infant. After mixing up what appears to be some Crystal Light pink lemonade cocktails (Why can’t anyone in this cast just leave a perfectly good bottle of champagne alone?), Kenya tells Marlo that since she recently told her that she also wants to have a child, she has a little surprise for them at the door. Cue the prim white woman with a semi-lifelike baby doll who has absolutely no idea what she’s gotten herself into.

Here’s a list of simple things the “Parenting Coach” reveals to Kenya about her maybe-future child (but for now, just this very not real baby doll) that are shocking to her: Her own DNA will affect her baby's skin pigmentation; her baby will not be weightless when it’s born; she will need a man or a man’s bodily donation in order to create a baby; a baby is not the same as a dog, no matter how many times you try to act like it is. I’d be annoyed at how much Kenya prepares for the idea of having a child, rather than actually doing anything to have a child, except it’s kind of a relief, re: humanity.

Over at Kandi’s first play rehearsal, things are looking remarkably Carmen: A Hip Hopera-like – the highest compliment – and Porsha is unremarkably missing from rehearsals. Don Juan isn’t surprised, but for some reason Kandi doesn’t seem that worked up about it. She might be a little more annoyed if she knew that Porsha was skipping out on rehearsing her “lead role,” so that she could go to a club where golf pros hang out with all her equally loud gal pals. It’s worth it all though to see a man ask Porsha for her number and her tell him, “I’m between phones right now.”

NEXT: Q: How many ways can Nene avoid apologizing? A: All the ways.

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