The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Friends Don't Call Friends B*tches

There's a lot of cursing -- a lot of cursing -- as Nene and Cynthia try to sort out their couples friendship, and Porsha tries to sort out what it means to actually work once you finally get a job.
Ep. 20 | Aired Mar 30, 2014

WHAT'S IN A NAME? I'm not saying that Nene is the worst human being to ever wear a bedazzled knit skull cap, I'm just saying she acts like the worst human being to ever wear a bedazzled knit skull cap.

Bravo

After her little knowledge bomb, Nene saunters off, takes a seat and – I’m really sorry, y’all, but it must be acknowledged – sucks her whole finger into her mouth in some sort of primal act of agression. What was she doing? What was that scene? While Nene freaks everybody out, Cynthia kind of tries to calm the situation down; Gregg and Peter begin speaking rationally, and by rationally, I mean Gregg says this non-statement: “The best thing woulda been to do was just not do nothing. I had the situation and you took it from me. I’m already dealing with the situation and you take it from me.” It’s possible that we all witnessed Gregg have a tiny stroke last night, and I really hope someone looked into it afterward. It’s that, or Apollo’s speaking condition is catching.

Peter Thomas Got Jokes: “WE ALL JUST NEED TO GROW.”

Some quick b-roll footage of an airplane and everyone is back to Atlanta! Kandi is meeting with Don Juan – I swear to you, still his real name – at her pink pleather chair emporium about the notes that Porsha’s attorney sent over on her contract for the musical. We don’t even need to know that Porsha’s resume is written in crayon or that this show is only running for a few days to know that any demands she makes are absolutely ridiculous.

Kandi calls Porsha in to avoid any working-with-friends-cough-Kim-Zolciak-cough drama, and calmly tells her, no, she will not be getting her own dressing room; no, she does not get the same billing as Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Eddie Levert; and, yes, she does need to sign the damn contract because the show is going up in three weeks. THREE WEEKS?! Shouldn’t they be rehearsing for this thing already? I get that plays can come together quickly sometimes -- you will not be shocked to learn that I dabbled in the thespian arts -- and was once in a high school “24-hour production,” myself (they made me dance… I don’t want to talk about it). But that play was made up of moderately intelligent 15-year-olds with a propensity for learning lines, and not Porsha “What’s My Character’s Name, Again?” Stewart. (Spoiler Alert: It's Jada.)

With Porsha put in her place, it’s time for another rousing round of RECAPPIN’ IN KITCHENS CLOSETS: Peter and Cynthia sit in a closet and discuss the events in Mexico, while Gregg and Nene do the same thing on their couch, but with more of Gregg making himself sound like a grill: “Those words ignited in me what I’d been marinating on.” Nene and Cynthia haven’t spoken in a week, but they both don’t want to ruin their friendship over Gregg and Peter having a Dos Equis-fueled nonsense fight and Nene not being able to control her mouth (or thoughts, or general existence). Both couples want to be able to sort through it, but have slightly differing thoughts on how to do that. Here’s a fun guessing game...one wife thinks it was very disrespectful to call Peter a bitch and another wife considers remorse to sound like this: “I apologize for calling him a bitch, but I still think he was acting like a bitch, so I can’t change that.” Turn your computer/tablet/phone upside down to reveal the surprise who's who!

NEXT: I wish I went to high school where Kandi (and Outkast) went to high school...

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