But mooooom, says Kenya, I’m allowed to be crazy to everyone and sext their husbands because I’ve been displaced from my home. Yes, Kenya Moore, creator of Booty Bootcamp, former Miss USA, current train wreck, thinks she has been displaced from her home. Nene tells her to cut the crap. She can easily find a place to live and she needs to lock it up about this Walter thing. And while she’s fixing things, maybe she should, uh, apologize to Phaedra for accusing her husband of sexting her on national television.
Ever the innocent, Kenya just can’t understand how people might have misconstrued her words to think that she meant Apollo was sending her “inappropriate” messages. I might say that it was because she was waving around a phone at last season’s reunion saying that very thing while Andy Cohen counted his money, but I’m just a TV recapper, what do I know?
Don’t worry K, Nene has a foolproof plan to make amends: Put all of the women who don’t like her together in an enclosed space so they can have a jam session about how terrible she is. Kenya smells an ambush, so at least we know her perfectly contoured nose is working.
Cynthia (wearing a Yankees hat in Braves country, which is actually punishable by law) continues to psych me out with her storylines. What seemingly started as a pregnancy scare was actually her telling her terrible husband Peter how bad the side effects of her uterine fibroid tumors have been recently, like stomach bloating that make her look pregnant. She asks him if he’s seen the blog posts about her looking like she’s pregnant at an event, which of course he has, because they have a specially installed alarm system in their house for their Google alerts.
Cynthia says it's hard because she’s supposed to be the model, “so they’re happy to be like, miss model fat ass stomach” which is both the name of my girl band and the suggested title of this article. Cynthia’s terrible husband Peter implies to his wife, who is suffering from uterine tumors, that she looks pregnant because she eats too much, but he can help with that by telling her that she’s fat and she should stop eating so much. Hey, remember when he bought a building with her money without telling her? Marriage – it’s forever!
*Producer Mandated Fun Alert* Kandi is having some of the other ladies over to one of her six houses for cocktails and some good old fashioned Kenya bashing. Cynthia says you can count on two things from Kandi: a good sex toy and good food. Excuse me while I send a followup email to my friends about the other two things they can expect from me.
Kandi uses this time to ask Cynthia for advice about her mom not liking Todd. But whereas Kandi’s mom is being crazy because Todd is a dreamboat and Kandi is totally in love with him, Cynthia’s mom might have been onto something. Porsha uses this get-together for more important things, like debuting her new spousal-support-sponsored bob/pixie cut! You know what they say: Where Porsha leads, Jennifer Lawrence shall follow.
NEXT: Apollo beholds himself