In the newest installation of Recappin’ Over Breakfast, Kenya and Miss Lawrence join Peter and Cynthia on the beach to explain to them what went down last night, as they conveniently weren’t there. The second worst thing that happens is that Miss Lawrence compares Apollo and Kenya’s “sexual chemistry” to that of Brad and Angelina, making Phaedra Jennifer Aniston. How dare you on about 18 different levels, Miss Lawrence. Of course, the very worst thing that happens is that Kenya tells us she’s an attractive woman, so she “can go get d-ck anywhere.” All of the places Kenya can go get d-ick:
- At the mailbox, from the mailman, where he will say, “Here’s your mail, want some d-ck?”
- At Home Depot, from a Home Depot employee, where he will say, “Here’s your hammer, want some d-ck?”
That’s it, those are all the places.
Apollo wants to make up for his foolishness (Kandi’s words, not his – he seems to truly not believe he's done anything wrong), so he has Kandi help him plan a week-early surprise birthday dinner for Phaedra. There’s a tiny birthday cake that’s destroyed by Porsha clobbering the condom-filled piñata, but luckily the party planners have prepared some speeches to save the special night. Kandi calls Phaedra a true friend and ends her toast with, “I just, you know, love you.” It’s not the most eloquent thing in the world, but she sounds like damn Lord Byron next to Apollo: “Phaedra, listen, I want to thank you for being the mother of my children and, you know, let’s just continue to move forward.” Oh, to be in love!
But that lame ass dinner is just a sorbet palate cleanser compared to the three courses of absolute mayhem that break loose the next night. Perhaps in order to prevent an actual homicide, the producers do the unheard of, and allow the cast to spend their last afternoon in Mexico in whatever groups they want to. Everyone has a lovely day full of people they enjoy and chose to spend time with…and that’s Kenya’s cue to come in on voiceover: “I planned a special surprise for this evening that I think will be the perfect ending to our beautiful trip.” “Foreboding” does not even begin to describe that sentence.
Everyone arrives for their special evening to find a bunch of beanbag bucket seats set up in a semicircle and for one brief moment I think, Hey maybe they’re just going to throw down on some Xbox 360. I’m wrong. I’m always wrong. After everyone sinks into the stupid chairs, Kenya comes floating in with an excited smile on her face, which always means she's up to something. I see Miss Lawrence walking behind her with a bowl, and I already know what's about to happen (because I have a terrible sense of direction, but a near perfect sense of bullsh-t): “If it doesn’t look familiar to you guys, this is redo of couple night!” I exclaim out loud, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Only I didn’t say hell.
Everyone expresses their lack of excitement for a repeat of the hoodrat-inducing Pajama Brawl, but Kenya is a human freight train when it comes instigating pain and terror, so she just plows right on saying, “Everyone is getting along so well and I want to end this trip on a high note,” with her voice at her absolute highest ulterior-motive-pitch. Everyone will draw questions like at Nene’s party, but these promise to be way more fun. In my notes, I actually make a little “Things We Learned” header to make a list of all the silly things these Cosmo quiz questions would unveil, because I am a gullible idiot who will never learn. We never even truly make it past the first question, which goes to Porsha: Wild sex or romantic sex? Porsha says she likes wild sex, but then waffles, saying she also like romantic sex, “like with an older guy, like when it’s slow.”
NEXT: Old people need (a lot) of (wild) love too.