Some poor sap named Rodrigo has been assigned as their cave guide and he can’t even get them down the steps before Porsha is shrieking and Nene is high-kneeing it away from truly one of the biggest snakes I’ve ever seen. I don't know a lot about reptiles, but was that one morbidly obese or something? It was seriously girthy. I want to judge Porsha for her freakout, but I kind of get it, and mostly, I was distracted by Gregg shaking a palm branch in front of him like some sort of witch doctor. What a delightful little weirdo, that man (my fingers are crossed that he won't totally ruin my idealistic perception of him next week, but 12 weeks ago I though Juan Pablo was a good guy, so what the hell do I know?).
Kenya makes a penis joke about the snake, because if she didn’t, her whole body would have shut down like when a robot's system crashes. I was…just learning…to…loooooove.
Once they make it past the snake and into the caves, it seems like a pretty cool adventure. They arrive at a beautiful natural spring where everyone spends an inordinate amount of time deciding if they want to swim in it. Mostly it’s to make the tension between Kenya -- who describes the spring as “sexy” and immediately screams “Who wants to take their clothes off?” -- and Phaedra and Apollo as palpable as possible. But you would have to be blind, deaf and actually have your TV on a different channel to miss all the subtle clues the RHOA team is throwing out. Including probably the best 10 seconds of my weekend, when Kenya walks past Apollo in her bikini to go up the stairs and he waits to look up at her butt the exact amount of time that makes it the absolute most noticeable.
Later that day…or maybe it’s the next day -- I don’t know, time stands still on this vacation -- Kenya gathers a few women to go on a surprise day trip with her. She is wearing a side-less dress (not a typo), so I assume they’re going to a fabric store so she can fix it, but they're actually going to see a few shamans about some unorthodox fertility treatments...obviously. She says she only wants to take the women who have been supportive of her efforts to get pregnant, so she takes Cynthia, Kandi and Nene, who speaks for all of us when she says, “I don’t really do Kenya.” But it’s an emotional time for Kenya, and the other women support her by encouraging her to open up and only mocking the shaman practices minimally (and when Kenya’s eyes are closed).
Then A Very Important Thing Happens: Generally, the only time I care about those little in-between-commercial segments is when they’re about Ayden and Mr. President doing their daily chores, because when they’re not, it’s just, like, Kenya shopping for olive oil. But you give me a party bus scene, Bravo, and you are giving me life. Especially when that party bus includes a shot of Kandi dancing on her fiancé, Phaedra grinding on her husband and then then camera pans over to Cynthia, who just kind of does the robot in Peter’s general vicinity. Samesies, girl.
But why would we expand on that scene, or show these people actually going out and having a good time, when we could watch Peter, Apollo and Todd (I’m sorry I had to drag you into this, Todd) roll cigars in a bar that has the look of an airplane hangar and the clientele of Bar One (i.e. no one)? Peter gives Todd some relationship advice and I say a quick prayer that Todd has some sort of superhuman biology where he can turn his ears off.
No matter, this scene was never going to be about anything but Kenya, who shows up with Miss Lawrence and lasts about 12 seconds before she’s saying “suck” and “blow” every other word and asking Peter if he didn’t get in the water earlier because he was afraid of shrinkage. He responds, “Even on my worst day, baby, I’m good,” and I just really feel like they should give some sort of special This Program Could Induce Nausea and in Extreme Cases Death viewer warning at the beginning of the hour if there’s going to be a scene like that.
NEXT: Apollo doesn't talk so good...