The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Are You My Beard?

Kenya invites everyone on a vacation to Mexico, and nothing spells P-A-R-T-Y like airing out other people's divorces in group settings.
Ep. 17 | Aired Mar 9, 2014

DEEP THOUGHTS BY PETER THOMAS "Maybe if I, uh, just let this beard grow past my ears they'll, uh, get confused and give me a peach next season?"

Bravo

In This Week’s Non Sequitur Vie for a Storyline: Peter, Ghost of Seasons Past, has put on his finest gingham shirt to pay Kordell a visit. You know Kordell: Porsha’s ex-husband who announced their divorce on Twitter? Apparently Peter has assigned himself the task of getting to the bottom of what caused Kordell and Porsha’s divorce. The real question is, is RHOA paying Kordell to be on the show for a storyline, or is Kordell paying RHOA to try and clear his name? Unfortunately, the best he really does is say that the divorce was a result of all the extra baggage Porsha brought into the relationship, such as her mom eating a large pepperoni pizza on his cream chairs. You can’t make this sh-t up. Peter can’t believe Kordell couldn’t “shut that down” because Peter is an idiot. He soaks all this up like a 50-year-old man getting ready to confront a 30-year-old woman he barely knows about her most personal business. Can’t wait for Mexico!

And it’s finally here. Kenya and Lawrence arrive a day early to get everything prepared for the other couples coming, which mostly means Kenya putting glamor shots of herself in every room, and Miss Lawrence doing a Gregg impression (“Lawrence, that’s not something I would recollect myself doing”) that I would watch on repeat for hours. HOURS. All of the other women and their plus ones meet up at the airport, except Phaedra, who says she’s misplaced her passport, but everyone else assumes she’s just trying to have them scope out the situation before she gets there. To that I say: YES. I knew that woman was smart, even if she is married to the human equivalent of a fraudulent loaf of bread.

I was prepared to feel no sympathy for Porsha right after she announced that she knows she’s part-Mexican because, “this baby hair is laid, and a señorita always has laid baby hair.” But the sympathy, it came, when That Jerk Peter decided to bring up his little tea party with Kordell and how he said he still loved Porsha and she wasn’t blindsided by the divorce...in front of eight other people in a moving vehicle. Porsha kept her cool but I’m ready for her to channel the power of her baby hair and let loose on that guy. At this point, it seems Cynthia sure isn't going to.

You know how when you’re aware that a group of people who really don’t like you are about to arrive to a trip you’ve planned for them, and you want to make your best impression, so you put on a bikini, a pretty culturally insensitive poncho and dance around and scream at them as soon as they step out of the car -- then your name is Kenya and you are shameless. After Kenya’s little show, Kandi says, “Twirling in the bikini and the poncho. Really? You could have saved it.” I’m not 100% sure what “you could have saved it” means in the context of a dancing Kenya, but I’m 100% sure I’m about to start saying it every time someone needs to get it on lock.

I actually understand very little from this whole arrival scene, because Kenya “Kill ‘Em with Kindness” Moore’s response to Nene being friendly is this: “I’m really not that shocked Nene greeted me with a hug, but you know what – two can play at that game. If she wants to be shady and do all these things behind my back, I can be better at it. Because, mirror, mirror on the wall, I’m the shadiest one of them all.” Again, 100% agree that she is the shadiest; 100% have no idea what she’s talking about. It seems that “playing at that game” just means sucking up to Nene by making a big show of giving her the other Presidential suite though. In other news, Gregg humped a bed, the women didn’t make nearly enough fun of Kenya for leaving pictures of herself in their rooms, and even while boarding the plane, Phaedra still hasn’t decided if she’s letting Apollo come on the trip.

NEXT: Knock knock. Who's there? Your ex-husband! J/k, lol...

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