The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Are You My Beard?

Kenya invites everyone on a vacation to Mexico, and nothing spells P-A-R-T-Y like airing out other people's divorces in group settings.
Ep. 17 | Aired Mar 9, 2014

DEEP THOUGHTS BY PETER THOMAS "Maybe if I, uh, just let this beard grow past my ears they'll, uh, get confused and give me a peach next season?"

Bravo

I like to call this RHOA episode The Countdown to Apollo’s Demise. The time is here, the time is now; but first, one more hour of filler! Last night was a bridge episode between the time when every single person on the show hated at least one other person on the show (last week) and the time that they were expected to go to a foreign country together (now-ish), spearheaded by the one person that everyone in the group can’t stand -- makes sense. So, vaminos to Mexico, where the sun is bright, the water is warm, and there are half-naked pictures of Kenya EVERYWHERE.

The ladies have to get prepared to leave Atlanta, which means Cynthia “Slim, Trim and Fibroid-Free” Bailey has taken herself to Atlanta Beach, a shop in a strip mall that has the look of a repurposed Arby’s and serves goblets of mimosas to women trying on bikinis. Nene, who only wears bikinis because God didn’t give her stretch marks as a personal favor or something, arrives to inform the general public that even though she has no interest in seeing Kenya, she will be going on the Mexico trip, and not to f—king ask her about Marlo in the meantime. Most importantly, her hair looks like that Martha Washington pool game where you dunk your head under water, push all your hair to the front and then fold it back for a glamorous 18th century up-do. It is not the best.

Marlo is now officially listed as “Kenya’s Friend” in her title card and the two get together to try and unpack what happened with Nene at the Bailey Bowl. I don’t understand why I know the deepest secrets of Peter and Cynthia’s sex life, Kenya’s sperm donor preferences, and how much Apollo spends to see naked women that aren’t his wife, but I can’t get just a little bit of clarity on the catalyst for the near shanking that went down between Marlo and Nene on the softball field last week. I know that Marlo became BFFs with Nene’s mortal enemy, Kenya; and I know that Nene has been acting her worst since losing her plush New Normal gig – Ha, remember New Normal?! – but I don’t believe for one Hotlanta second this feud originated from a Mean Girls (ahem, Mean Grown Ass Women) three-way call. At least Marlo has Kenya to comfort her through the stressful experience of trying really hard to cry.

Listen, I know Phaedra has hardly had a storyline for the last half of the season, but if every bit of her screen time was just Ayden doing household chores and Mr. President sitting there like the most precious bump on the most precious log, I would take it. Ayden, a 3 year-old, single handedly skims the family swimming pool and then is left unattended with a full bottle of Windex while his parents discuss if Apollo should be allowed to go on the Kenya-organized trip to Mexico where he will surely have sex with someone who is not his wife.

RHOA Word of the Week: Rentley (n.)
Definition: 1. a rented Bentley, 2. a Bentley not purchased for Kenya by an African prince
Use it in a sentence: Phaedra would rather “Porsha take [her] Black History exams” than let “that Rentley driving, no-man-having, harlot in Atlanta,” Kenya Moore within 20-feet of her stripper watching, identity stealing, inappropriate sexting husband.

NEXT: Kordell is really more of a cheese pizza kind of guy...

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